So the time has come. I have been waiting and waiting and preparing and preparing. Now, in 6 short hours, a shuttle is going to take me to the airport so I can fly to Miami for my pre-departure orientation. Then it is me, and Jamaica. Obviously I have ten million things going on inside my head.
First, I AM GOING TO JAMAICA FOR A LONG TIME! Moving is an scary and exciting thing, and I probably have equal parts of both. Scary:Excited.
Second, I am trying to find that spot in my spirit that made me want to leave Portland. The jump in my step that sent me to where I am now. Naturally, instead of feeling ready to embark on this transforming experience, I feel sadness for what and who I am leaving behind. I wonder if I did a good job being a friend, a work associate, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, and a human being. I find myself hoping that I am in the right spot emotionally and academically, to be all I can be for the people that will be a part of my life in Jamaica.
Third, I am telling myself to chill the hell out! Now is a good time for reflection and I have been doing a lot of it. However, I tend to analyze the things that went wrong and how to not repeat past mistakes. Though that is good, I also have to remember to look back on all the positives. The lessons I have learned, people I have met, and goals I have accomplished. In the last couple of years I have realized enough about relationships to know that I still have a dang steep learning curve. And I am not talking romantic relationships, but ALL relationships. They are more complicated than I know how to describe. They are delicate and when not nurtured, they rot.
Fourth, it would naturally be this time, the time that has past has been all confidence, but no, this time, that I begin questioning the true role of the Peace Corps Volunteer. Why am I really going? I am not going to help people. I am not going to fix things. Do these people want me there? Am I just going to be pushing an American agenda of diplomacy whilst attempting to have a positive impact on people? I absolutely do, without a doubt, know that I am going to Jamaica to serve. Many people have asked why leave? Why not do something like the Peace Corps in the USA? It is a hard thing to answer, but I will try. First, while I am able to appreciate all the liberties, freedoms, rights, opportunities, and wealth we Americans have, I am also beginning to understand why we have them and others do not. I am disenchanted with our style. I didn't want to stay where I was. I wanted to liberate myself from a system of consumption, and fucking over the little guy (I wish I could think of a classier way to state this). I wanted to shake free of my belongings. I wanted to be removed from a system that I think is just as corrupt as other infamous countries. The Peace Corps is an opportunity to for me to look at the United States from the outside and gain some new perspectives. More importantly, it will allow me to immerse myself in a culture that is very different than the one I know. Being in Jamaica will allow me to show people me, as an American, but as I learn about the rich history and culture of Jamaica, as well as the current economic issues and foreign policies, I will have a grasp on the world that will end up benefiting me in my own development, as well as many others as I disembark on my lifetime of public service. I am going to Jamaica as a volunteer. I want to work, I want to offer myself to the people of Jamaica and create a niche there that is positive in the way I serve my community. I am going with my eyes open. They are a little teary at the moment, but open just the same.
Fifth, I am suddenly thinking that my fourth thought turned into a tangent from my dedication to service, to my current mindset of the United States. Oops. I entered into the Peace Corps knowing that I wanted to serve. It didn't matter where I went or what I did. I am not running away or trying to escape anything. I am leaving the states to serve, and to learn. And by learning I will be able to serve a wider audience with a larger knowledge base and I am glad and excited to have Jamaica rock my world.
Peace Out. Next post....Jamaica!
PS. Please note that though I only have five of my thoughts posted above, I do indeed have a million in my brain. Promise.
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2 comments:
Tami you write very beautifully. I can't wait to read more about your adventures. My last comment had some severe grammar issues for just a short comment. So I had to throw that puppy to the dogs ;) Take care cutie.
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