Christmas in Jamaica...and other things

I have spent my Christmases since I can remember either in Oregon, or California. In the last 4 years however, I have spent Christmas in Thailand, Costa Rica, Portland, and now Jamaica. I have found an interesting pattern in my overseas vacations. The pattern is McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Burger King. I remember exactly what I ate. Double Cheeseburger meal at Mickey D's, bean and cheese burrito and cheesy gordita crunch at Taco Bell, and a vanilla milkshake at Burger King. I can only imagine what next Christmas will hold for me and my fast food. Each have a story, but I don't feel like telling them.

I actually had a wonderful Christmas. Nothing Christmasy at all, it was great. Sandy made me crepes for breakfast, then I went and spent a few hours on the beach with some volunteers, then dinner at Brian and Yvonne's. It was really laid back and relaxed. Oh! And then I went to Bill's, and expat friend and had a second dinner at his place and it was packed with the whole expat clan. My second dinner was actually just some sorrel juice and two bites of Simon's mashed potatoes, but still. So now Christmas is done and over with and tomorrow is New Years Eve.

I leave in the morning for Falmouth, about twenty minutes east of Montego Bay. Me, along with about 15 volunteers are renting out a huge house on the beach for a party. It is going to be sooo much fun. I am going to be sober sober sober, but I will get lots of pics and lots of laughs. I am wondering if we will continue our pattern of skinny dipping...it would be the third time. For the third time, I will also be the only sober one. Good times. I am really excited to see everyone. I wonder if we will do the countdown and the kisses at midnight...I could do with a little tradition. Champagne would be nice too...I'll treat myself to a glass I suppose...

I didn't mention in my last post, but my results from Kingston showed that I have an ulcer. That being said, I have been taking special care to eat things that are bland and boring for the sake of the whole in my stomach. It is healing, and not as bad at all, but I got a lengthy call from the nurse at Peace Corps who told me that ulcers, once you get one, come back really easily so I am being very careful. That being said, I am tired of being sick. Oh yeah, and I am getting a cold. I am really tired of feeling icky. Ok, that is enough complaining out of me. Just had to say it.

Other than that, things are good over here. The road at the Recycling Center got fixed yesterday after Tropical Storm Gustav washed it away in August. Four months out of business makes us very excited that it is fixed. It is about damn time! Things are moving along at work, but there is so much to do and it takes so long to get anything done that there are 30 balls rolling at once and I can't keep them all straight. I am not actually very happy at the Chamber. I am not unhappy I suppose. I am just getting wind of all the politics involved in every decision that is made and it isn't benefiting the community as it could. I feel like they claim to be a benefit to the community, but all the members are business owners who are really only looking out for their best interest. It is really frustrating. This means that no one is really interested in what my supervisor and I are doing unless it means that it is benefiting them in some way. So when we need to get approval for stuff people just don't answer. But oh well.

I am not sure if this is possible or makes any sense at all, but being here, I feel more together and sure of myself. I feel like I am learning and growing and becoming older and wiser. At the same time, I feel like I have never been so clueless and scattered about how I feel, what I want, and how to do anything. Because of this, I am experiencing highs and lows that I feel unfamiliar with. I think I experienced them at home too, everyone has good days and bad days, but when they happen here, especially the bad days, I feel so isolated and alone.

Today was actually a bad day. I was mad mad mad. Frustrated and fed up. I left work at like 3:30 because I was on the brink of tears and told myself I was going to work from home. This actually looked like me in the fetal position in my bed wishing I could just go to sleep and lose the lost feeling. But I called and talked to my pops and felt better. Thanks pops. My emotions get to a point where they are manageable and then at some point they spill over and there is not stopping them. But enough of this as well. This is just a bad day. Most of my days are amazing and full of adventure!

I'm a little mermaid, and I am not impressed with Dr. Gyno

So...one of the organizations I am collaborating with is the Negril Coral Reef Preservation Society or NCRPS. When they have funding, and no organizations really have any funding right now, they do about 18 dives per month for coral reef monitoring. I spoke with the head ranger and he said that I could go sometimes if I got dive certified. So...thanks pops, I got dive certified! So I am excited about helping the rangers, but I am obsessed with diving. I had to go on two dives to get certified and I was 40 underwater! It is such an amazing feeling. Not the being underwater part with the tube in my mouth or the tank and weight belt strapped to my back. The amazing feeling was being so far under our world that I saw that a whole different world exists! I don't even know how to explain it. When you are snorkeling, you get a glimpse, but this is so different. I can't wait to go again. I saw so many different kinds of coral and fish and they were all just doing there thing. Just living and surviving. Just amazing! Hopefully I will get to dive again soon.

I had to go to Kingston last week for some appointments. Three, with three different doctors. I wll spare you the story of me watching a vampire moving and then being totally freaked out in my shady not safe really cheap hotel room the Peace Corps put me up in and jump straight into the interesting part, my vagina. Yes, I had to get my pelvic exam. Usually, in the states, these happen pretty quick. Like 20 minutes or so. You ladies know the routine. The doctor warms the speculum, puts on the KY tells you they are doing to insert in and you will feel some discomfort. Well, aparently not in Jamaica. In Jamaica, things are different. I was too shocked to mumble my mantra...TIJ TIJ TIJ. Instead, after the doctor arrived 45 minutes late she rushed me through so fast I was in and out in about 3 minutes. Hurry come now she says. Take off your clothes and spread your legs she says. Is the rhinovirus prevalent in rural Jamaica she says...not to me this time but to the nurse studying in the chair next to the bed. I take off my pants with them as witness. I spread my legs. She puts cold water on the cold metal duck bill and crams it up in a not so careful way. She takes the really unnaturally long q-tip in sticks it up my vag. She scrapes it around and pulls it out. There is blood she says. Surface bleeding. Could this be from you stabbing my cervix with a q-tip like a wicked wench I want to say, but don't. She says I am done and goes about her business, which is quizzing the nurse. Good job she says, not to me. And while I am still spread on the table the Peace Corps nurse calls me. I answer. I am late for my next appointment. She is outside in the car waiting. I rush and dress faster than I have ever dressed, with an audience...oh and this after the doctor hands me a roll of toilet paper to clean up my mess. I wipe, with an audience, I dress with an audience and I am out the door and off to my barium swallow. It took me longer to type this than it took to have my vag stabbed.

They thought I had a hiatal hernia so I had to get a barium swallow. This was fast as well and an entirely different yet Jamaican experiment. They ask me to walk into a changing room resembling a room you would find in a Target. I put on an xl gown with tacky flowers on it. The arm holes were so big that my boobs fell out the side. I walk to the big xray room holding my gown in place. I had to drink this really fizzy tonic that tasted like bitters poured into alka seltzer. Don't burp says the technician. I can't help it. I stand there and belch and giggle because I can't help it. I am making faces. This is not pleasant or comfortable. Then comes the barium. It is flavored like something to make it more pleasant, but I felt like I was guzzling white vomit. Gross. They take xrays in a weird machine. I have to flop and spin while they were looking and my boobs were flopping in and out of my gown. I give up. Let them flop. Fuck it. I don't have a hernia they say. Just severe acid reflux. This is both good and bad news. Good news I don't need surgery. Bad news, I have to deal with acid reflux that my medication isn't helping.

After this, I go and get Burger King, eat it in a rush at the Peace Corps office, and before I leave for my 5 hour trip home I am blasted with my barium screaming to come out. And scream it did. And splash it did. And gross.

And now I am off to work.

Mo money, mo problems

My blogs are dwindling. It isn't that I don't have much to say, but rather that I have had outlets recently to share them with so they aren't as pressing to squeeze them out here. Plus, I kind of look like an ass when all my blogs contradict themselves. This life can be an emotional roller coaster and I feel like I go up and down and back and forth, sometimes all in the same day. I'll feel like I have it all figured out, and then I will be asking what the hell I am doing.

Tonight I am asking what the hell I am doing, but only becuase there is so much going on. We got a grant that required co-funding so on top of trying to collaborate and communicate with three organizations simultaneously, we are also putting together and doing the prep work for this project, and at the same time, trying to find the most appropriate grant to apply to for our co-funding. The project is called, "Boosting Biodiversity in Negril's Coral Reefs through Community Recycling and Environmental Education." I wrote like 97.5% of it and am very excited that my first real grant was funded! It is a huge deal in my little head...professional development wise. It is funded by the United Nations Development Program. Tomorrow is Monday and I have two meetings, both meetings with people that are late. Late in Jamaica doesn't even mean like 20 minutes. It is measured more by the hour. We will see what tomorrow brings. I have decided my new outlet for dealing with it will be writing haikus. I haven't tried this yet, but I might come up with some good stuff tomorrow. I am also working on an integrated public awareness campaign, a web page, and several documents that need revision before we start carrying out our project. I am spending waaaay too much time in the office lately, which is difficult because it is really uncomfortable in their chairs, but I know that once we start moving, I am going to be doing tons of meetings with area schools, businesses, and hotels. Not to mention workshops and training with community members.
My Office (just kidding...just mixing work with my tan one afternoon. I really was working!)

More to touch on later (more for me than for you):
Barium Swallow and belchy tonic
Jamaican gyn exam
Dive Certification
Hopes and dreams

Thanksgiving in Jamaica

Last weekend was our Thanksgiving. Not Thursday. Saturday. It was wonderful. Over twenty volunteers made it to Negril to celebrate. I will admit though that my favorite guest was my very best friend Cecilia. Cecilia is officially my first visitor and I have asked her to write a blog that I can share with you that outlines her experiences here. It was a bit nerve racking having her here. I am used to almost dying on a regular basis, but I was always worried she was going to get hit by a car, or chopped, and the prey of a sexual predator. Luckily the only real attack she got from me when I screamed at the top of my lungs at Bourbon Beach when a Swiss gentleman asked us to dance. Damn Swiss. Who needs their good looks and their cheese anyways. I watched her sweat while I was cold, I noticed how she interacted with the locals. I listened to her comments when we tried to sleep to the crickets/lizards/geckos. Having her here was amazing but also different. I watched her experience Jamaica, and I shared the sunsets and the beautiful beaches and the children running along in their school uniforms.

One thing that her visit did was help me realize how thankful I am. I am thankful she is in my life. Thankful that she reminds me we are all human. Thankful I can share my life with her and others and have it still be mine. Life here is hard every single day for a plethora of reasons. It is also easy. I was thinking that I am so happy and ok with life becuase I know it is supposed to be hard. If I didn't think it was supposed to be a struggle, I would struggle.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about how I was in love with myself and discovering myself and watching myself experiencing all of my daily trials and tribulations. I wrote of how comfortable I am in my skin and how I feel confident in myself. I need to make an addendum. It was all bullshit. Well, not really. I was writing about how I felt in that moment. That whole week I think I was dancing on air because the world felt right. I am not dancing on air right now. I am not unhappy, but not dancing either. I tried to dance today, couldn't even get to phase one of the hipster leg shake. It is because I am not supposed to be dancing on air everyday. Today, instead, with the power out and no way to do my work, I went up to my favorite boutique hotel to use their generator powered electricity to do my work. I did a lot of work. I did good work. I designed an organized public awareness campaign. While doing this, I kept looking out at the ocean, the waves crashing up against the cliff, and had to take a break. Many breaks. I was distracted. My mind was trying to do work and digest life at the same time. I wish I could explain what I mean. Nothing in particular, but just feelings. Not even thoughts. It is like my feelings were competing against each other. So many emotions in a place that is so full of beauty and ugliness. I think I was trying to come to terms with some emotions that were conflicting. Conflicting ideas of what is right and what is wrong. What is ok, and what is not ok. I was also angry for doing everything I am not supposed to do for my increasingly severe acid reflux.

It is crazy I am in another country but I can look up at the same moon and the same stars. I think there might be one difference though. I can't find the big dipper. I can see the little dipper, but the big dipper is missing from the sky. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that really makes me feel disconnected from home. I can walk into a store and buy a snickers bar, and if I really wanted to I could track down a television and watch the Office, but no matter how hard I try, the big dipper is gone. It is somewhere else. Somewhere I am not. When I come home, I am going to find it and feel right with the world again.

Thank you to everyone who came down for Thanksgiving. I felt loved. I feel thankful.