Thanksgiving in Jamaica

Last weekend was our Thanksgiving. Not Thursday. Saturday. It was wonderful. Over twenty volunteers made it to Negril to celebrate. I will admit though that my favorite guest was my very best friend Cecilia. Cecilia is officially my first visitor and I have asked her to write a blog that I can share with you that outlines her experiences here. It was a bit nerve racking having her here. I am used to almost dying on a regular basis, but I was always worried she was going to get hit by a car, or chopped, and the prey of a sexual predator. Luckily the only real attack she got from me when I screamed at the top of my lungs at Bourbon Beach when a Swiss gentleman asked us to dance. Damn Swiss. Who needs their good looks and their cheese anyways. I watched her sweat while I was cold, I noticed how she interacted with the locals. I listened to her comments when we tried to sleep to the crickets/lizards/geckos. Having her here was amazing but also different. I watched her experience Jamaica, and I shared the sunsets and the beautiful beaches and the children running along in their school uniforms.

One thing that her visit did was help me realize how thankful I am. I am thankful she is in my life. Thankful that she reminds me we are all human. Thankful I can share my life with her and others and have it still be mine. Life here is hard every single day for a plethora of reasons. It is also easy. I was thinking that I am so happy and ok with life becuase I know it is supposed to be hard. If I didn't think it was supposed to be a struggle, I would struggle.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about how I was in love with myself and discovering myself and watching myself experiencing all of my daily trials and tribulations. I wrote of how comfortable I am in my skin and how I feel confident in myself. I need to make an addendum. It was all bullshit. Well, not really. I was writing about how I felt in that moment. That whole week I think I was dancing on air because the world felt right. I am not dancing on air right now. I am not unhappy, but not dancing either. I tried to dance today, couldn't even get to phase one of the hipster leg shake. It is because I am not supposed to be dancing on air everyday. Today, instead, with the power out and no way to do my work, I went up to my favorite boutique hotel to use their generator powered electricity to do my work. I did a lot of work. I did good work. I designed an organized public awareness campaign. While doing this, I kept looking out at the ocean, the waves crashing up against the cliff, and had to take a break. Many breaks. I was distracted. My mind was trying to do work and digest life at the same time. I wish I could explain what I mean. Nothing in particular, but just feelings. Not even thoughts. It is like my feelings were competing against each other. So many emotions in a place that is so full of beauty and ugliness. I think I was trying to come to terms with some emotions that were conflicting. Conflicting ideas of what is right and what is wrong. What is ok, and what is not ok. I was also angry for doing everything I am not supposed to do for my increasingly severe acid reflux.

It is crazy I am in another country but I can look up at the same moon and the same stars. I think there might be one difference though. I can't find the big dipper. I can see the little dipper, but the big dipper is missing from the sky. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that really makes me feel disconnected from home. I can walk into a store and buy a snickers bar, and if I really wanted to I could track down a television and watch the Office, but no matter how hard I try, the big dipper is gone. It is somewhere else. Somewhere I am not. When I come home, I am going to find it and feel right with the world again.

Thank you to everyone who came down for Thanksgiving. I felt loved. I feel thankful.