I am tired of being a female in a sexually aggressive culture.

I think I have learned my lesson. It happens every time. Every. Single. Time. Back story...

Living in Jamaica is difficult. Living in Negril is especially difficult. The cultural differences are big. really big. (Side note:power just went out for second time in two days. Thank you charged iPOD and laptop) People talk about different things here. They dress different. They act different. Not necessarily bad, although some of it is bad, just different. For instance...simple cultural difference:

If you give a Jamaican your phone number, male or female, they will call you over and over again. They will leave messages, or not, but they will call over and over and over again. I first learned this lesson after meeting a girl named Jodi. She was nice. I wanted to make a girl-friend. I thought she might be able to show me things I couldn't do by myself or with a dude. This was bad. I told her I had friends in town and that I could do something the next week. She called that night. Several times. Then, she called me at 6am the next morning. Really. Then she proceeded to call me AT LEAST ten times a day for a couple of weeks. I answered sometimes to tell her I couldn't hang out. I kinda...lost interest pretty fast.

Then, I met a really nice guy I thought I might make friends with. I am trying to integrate...develop a community. I need to make friends who will introduce me to Jamaicans and teach me stuff right? Wrong, that is not what I need at all. I need their Jamaican steel. I need their baby. I need them to lick me. No. No. No. Ok, I get it. Don't give your number out. Bad idea.

Get this, the weekend before last I go to my friends place in Santa Cruz and this nice older man was sitting next to me. He was talking to me about politics, religion, farming, etc. It was really nice. The bus was loud. I was texting my bff Cecilia all the sweet late eighties, early nineties love ballads that were blasting, while carrying on this conversation. I was also trying to position my head so that I was not breathing my rank ass breath directly in his face (you know when it gets really bad and you know it is really bad but you can't do anything about it?) and we just chatted for like an hour. At the end of the ride it was late and Santa Cruz isn't one of the safer towns and he offered to take me where I was meeting Grace. Then he gives me a 3 tangerines, 2 oranges, and 1 custard apple. Produce is expensive, so this was sweet. He asked for my number so he could check on me now and again. I said sure and thought it was genuine and sweet. It was. However, his 24 year old son has been calling me daily no less than twice a day now for the last week and a half.

Don't give out your number!!! But it is hard because I have turned into a total hermit and I get invited out all the time and I almost always say no. I have reached a social exhaustion where I just don't have it in me. I know what the issue is. The people that invite me out...men. All of them. I only have one Jamaican female friend and she is wonderful, but also wonderfully quiet and shy and doesn't go out. So I have the owner of this bar, the manager of this hotel, the taxi guy that got my number etc calling me and I don't want to deal with any of it. I want numbers so I can call people when I feel like going out. There is this one guy I just met and he is really cool. I am going to try to hang out with him, but once again, can we be friends or does he just know the American approach? Ugh....man.

And this is hard to because I need to be culturally sensitive and sometimes I can walk down the street and try to understand. I try to understand the culture and the history. It isn't always easy though when I am trying to walk down the street and I am being yelled out to every five feet. Sometimes it just feels dirts and gross. Today was a dirty and gross day.

I am concerned I am not going to be able to integrate into the community here like many volunteers can. White people are everywhere. I am no one special. I am white and rich. I am resented. I am hated by some even. The racism I have experienced has been intense. I have never feared for my physical safety, but the blind hate is really disenchanting. If I had more money, I wouldn't spend it doing the touristy stuff that is around, I would use it to hang out in the beauty shop. I would get my hair done, my nails done, a facial, I don't know. That is where the ladies hang out. I want to know what it is really like here, but the cultural barriers blow my mind.

This culture is so incredibly sexual. More than anything else I have experienced. They are aggressive too. Guys will just grab your hand or arm and pull you into them on the street. Being able to diffuse a situation without either me or the ass loosing face is one of my new skills. What I really want to say is, "Are you really so desparate for attention that you feel the need to say something that a 12 year old would say, while grabbing your crotch? Really? Does that work? Ever? Because it is ridiculous." Instead, I dismiss them in the same way the ladies do. I close my eyes and turn my head while lifting my eyebrows (major attitude in the brow lift) and then open my eyes again. It basically means, you are not worth my time.

Tomorrow I leave for Ocho Rios for the Peace Corps Early Service Conference. I am excited to see everyone. I am not excited for the meetings that usually end up being a waste of time. I am leaving a day early because otherwise I would have to get up at like 5am to go on Wednesday morning. That is not happening. My friend is getting a room at the hotel the conference is in so I am going to crash with him. Should be grueling, but there are perks...