Simple things are never simple.

Life here is a struggle. I know. Look how I started this blog already. What a downer...psych! It is a struggle even when it is good. You know when you get off the phone from talking to a boy and you are all giddy and have to run around the house squealing (maybe I just do this...maybe I don't?). This sort of excitement and euphoria is so intense that you cannot contain it. What about when you feel like you have just given up on life and want to just lay in your bed and try not to exist. This type of intense emotional pain is so bad that you just disappear inside yourself. Now imagine that these two extremes collide into each other and are in your head while you are trying to function in a foreign country. This might be the best way to explain my struggle. There is so much to process here. So much to understand and embrace and accept. This includes cultural issues, social issues, economic issues, and lastly, my own issues. What are my issues? Nothing too exciting. More like tedious. Trying to wrap my brain around everything I am trying to take in. Examining and choosing to reflect on my experiences, my reactions, and what I can learn. Recognizing that I need to work on my patience and expectations. Recognizing that I am way too hard on myself. So this is why it is a struggle. I choose for it to be. I am not in school anymore but I am learning so much about myself and what I am capable of. I have already been able to see so many strengths in myself that before were invisible. I have also been humbled by discovering things about myself that I also had not previously seen. So does that mean I have had a self-esteem boost or (word for opposite of boost)? I say they have canceled each other out and what is left is growth, and that aint bad. That is all I am going to say about that. This blog doubles are my journal these days so thank you for reading my therapeutic scribbles (typing really).

My dad is here! He is visiting for a whole month. There are so many things that I want to do with him, but because I am working and things here are spendy, we can do few. That is ok though. There is easily a month worth of things to do in my area so that is what we are going to do. When I first arrived here I was so full of questions and everything was so amazing, and hot, and stinky, and exciting. Now I get to see my dad go through that stuff. His first traditional Jamaican breakfast: Ackee and Saltfish, yellow yam, boiled banana, boiled dumpling, fried dumpling. His first 'smalling up' in a taxi. His first dip in the caribbean. His first rasta smoking the ganja on the street sighting. It is all very fun, and cute. I have every intention of putting him to work at the recycling center.

Let's see...anything else to report...I don't think so. I am jet lagged and not sleeping well. Went to make tea and my kitchen light is burnt out. Can't be bothered to cook in the dark. I burn myself enough in the light. My laundry is a huge issue at the moment. I am out of underwear (did I mention I was leaving tomorrow for the weekend?) and the whites I bleached got soaked when I forgot them hanging outside...again. I am worried about my spending. I don't want to go over my allowance again, I can't afford it. I am officially a wuss and now have hot water showers every day. I now have three scars from my recent tummy burns (see blog from a couple weeks back). Enough random information? I think so.

Likl more.

Holy hell! I almost forgot! I planted a garden on my roof. All that is growing is the abundance of lettuce varieties, but still....awesome! Oh, and swiss chard, and zuchinni. Sweet. See pics.

Me planting on my rooftop

Two weeks later!!!

I'm back on the rock!

On our way to hiking in the Gorge

I haven't posted for a while. First, I have been in an emotional lull just trying to sort out why I am here, what I am going to accomplish, losing hope in the Jamaican way of life, etc...blah blah blah. Then, I went to Oregon for an amazing 12 day trip that I am still recovering from. Then, I got back and am getting into the swing of things.

I have recently been told that my blog is like an emotional roller-coaster. When you read them in a row they are up and down and up and down. When I was told this I thought about it for a second and was like, 'Yup, pretty much." That is what it is like here though. I am not just waking up and going to work and going home. It is more complicated because not only am I in a place that is totally foreign, but I am dealing with a lot of new world views, perspectives, work ethic, cultural behaviors-thoughts-attitudes, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world and am on the right track and sometimes I don't know what the hell I am doing. Well, most of the time I don't know what the hell I am doing, but that is part of the trip. Learning to process all this and deal with the emotional strife is part of the experience and I am growing a ton. I think that if my emotional growth could be measured by my height, I would be at least a foot taller! So there. Yes, I am a basketcase here, but a basketcase on an amazing adventure that this blog cannot begin to describe.

Plus, I could easily write everyday a little note about how I am doing and what I did, but I am sure that would get old pretty fast. I usually wait until I have a little meat and then spill...which usually results in a hugely long blog that I can't even read in its entirety. So, I am going to try to keep it short and sweet, but more often. We will see how it goes.

My trip to Oregon was both wonderful and full of reflection and hard truths. It only took about ten minutes from the time I walked off the plane to when I was driving on the freeway past the strip mall of Ikea, Best Buy, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc that I felt good about being in Jamaica. When I left I was really stressed out and worried that I would go and not want to come back. I am glad that didn't happen. I worry for us Americans and how we live and I really did feel a little discust seeing so many huge stores, parking lots, and cars. Overall, going home, I feel very blessed. I got to catch up and spend time with a lot of people that mean the world to me. Some of them have helped shape me into who I am today and others play a part in who I will be tomorrow. I got to drink some of my favorite beers. I got to go hiking in the gorge. I got to play with animals on the farm. I got to smile and laugh and rest and nap by the woodstove, maybe my favorite place on earth.

Farm in Amity, Oregon. My home.

Oh, and I got attacked by a Bunny. Yes, a bunny. My friend Kyle was so excited for me to meet his pet bunny. His potty trained, jump in your lap and kiss you friendly bunny. Well, I liked this bunny up until it jumped up, grunted/growled, and bit me mid-calf. The damn thing broke the skin! Who knew! It was hilarious. I never thought I would be attacked by a bunny. I have now been bitten by dogs, cats, horses, goats, pigs, rheas (prehistoric bird like an ostrich), big talking birds, and a bunny! I feel like I am leaving something out. I guess I get bit by people on occasion as well...

Bunny I hate you. ( But you are cute)

A few days before I left for the states, my friend Grace told me she was leaving Jamaica to go bac to Michigan. Although it saddens me that she is not on island, she made the right choice, and I would have done the same. I miss you Grace.

Now I am back and have sooo much to do. I feel like I have recharged my batteries and am ready to face Jamaica with a new found mind-set. I was letting myself get really stressed out to the point of being physically sick all the time and I refuse to do that. I can only do what I can do! As much as I'd like to, I can't save the world. And in two years, there is not much I can do except for make small triumphs and hope that I can make a positive impact that will last beyond my departure.

It is Monday night, I got back on Saturday afternoon. My dad is coming to visit on Wednesday! He is staying for a month. I found him a place to stay...next door so he will have his own place and I will have mine. So far, we are going to go to Port Antonio for a wedding, and into Kingston for some Dr. appts I have. Hopefully while we are there we can do the Blue Mountain Hike. There is so much I want to do with him and know I can't that it is nearly heartbreaking. I will just have to save what we miss for next trip. There is going to be lots of scrabble, dinners, sunsets on the beach, and snorkeling. Plenty in Negril to keep us busy and two weekend we will be gone.

I don't think I have anything else to report really except for that I am back on island and ready for what lies ahead. Hopefully the next blog will look much the same.

I love sorrel, so do ants.

Today I wanted a treat and I was sooo thirsty so I went into the Hi/Lo and bought a large jug of sorrel juice. It is delicious and I am sad we don't have it in the states. I have had a few glasses throughout the evening and my last one was poured without enough attention. Apparently the glass had sat long enough to attract some mini ants and I filled it back up and began drinking before realizing that I was guzzling down creepy crawlers. I only noticed when the tickle in my throat felt unnatural and then gazed down to my glass to see several floaties. Had that happened when I first got here I would have flipped out. Now, it is barely blog worthy. I am only mentioning it because the only thing that really bothers me is that it didn't really bother me.

What is more important though is the sorrel aspect of this story. It has to be one of the best things I have been introduced to since coming here. It is a beautiful red flower and when you boil it it turns into this dark red juice. Add a little sugar and a little ginger and you have the best thing to touch your tongue since Andes Mints! I guess I satiated two cravings today. My sorrel and my fried dumpling! Jamaicans eat a lot of carbs and a lot of fried foods. The one really bad for me staple here that is served with many meals is the festival, or fried dumplings. They are basically biscuits that are super delicious and dangerously bad for you. I also cooked and prepared a delicious dinner (chicken lentil veggie stew with rice) only to eat peanut butter and jelly in a bowl. Sometimes you just have to go back to the basics. Plus, now I have lunch for tomorrow.

I am realizing that I am letting my life here stress me out. I am allowing my challenges to overcome me and affect my mood and behavior. I am looking forward to going home to the states and stepping away from here for a bit to get some perspective. I need to get positive again and appreciate all the opportunity I have to do something here. I have felt a bit in a funk as of late and I am not into it. It is not my thing. I need to get back to being the bubbly Tami I am at heart.

Ice pick in your butt. By Ice Pick, Co-written by Knuckles

As Grace and I were sitting at Easy Rock Cafe, enjoying our Blue Mountain coffee (my first cup for over a month and it was oh so good) we decided after seeing Rambo, an expat diver, that we also needed a pretty sweet bad ass name. Although we aren't built like Mr. T and don't have the bling, or the tattoos, we are still two intimidating mo foes. Grace said her name would have to be knuckles, brass knuckles even. This didn't work at all. Knuckles it is then. And since I am sharp as a tack, or possibly just tacky...my name is ice pick. For some reason, we started talking about prison and how you can have knuckles in prison but not an ice pick. This is totally false I say. People smuggle in ice picks all the time! How says Grace aka Knuckles? In the butt! Duh...totally a no brainer.

You may have already realized that this blog consists of zero substance. This is ok. Sometimes you just need to sit around and think of totally sweet names.

Yesterday I was sick in bed all day. So boring, can't handle it. I decided to make one of my staples. Bean and cheese burritos. Since there aren't really any burrito tortillas, it is more like bean and cheese soft tacos. So yesterday afternoon before Grace's arrival, I took a can of black beans from my bean pyramid, and got my onion chopped and my taco sauce ready. Everything is in place. Even the mountain of cheese was grated. As I poured in my oil I got more excited...closer to the end goal. As I poured in my onions, the oil splashed on me and I screamed while doing a little dance. I am pretty sure I swore a lot too. Oh, I left out that I wasn't actually fully clothed. So, I am now burned with fear of scarring, but you better believe that they were damn good burritos.

For dinner Grace and I made cake. Not just any cake. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting. It was amazing. So we spent the evening watching Stick It and eating cake. Then talking, then passing out.

Today we are going to do yoga. I illegally downloaded a yoga video for my viewing pleasure. Then we are going to finish my gardening project when we figure out where I can get some soil (this island is covered in rock and coral). This must be the most boring blog ever so I am going to stop. I was just really excited about our nicknames.

For your viewing pleasure, I give you my burns, and Grace trying to sleep in my chair where she thought the mosquitoes would stop biting her (weird logic).