Caring continued...

I live here. Just saying.



I am done with the caring too much post. It was originally going to end on happy notes but I was so damn tired I couldn't write anymore.

On to happier times: There are so many things to be happy about! The blog I wrote about last night was my attempt at externalizing something unsettling that I was making a conscious decision about. But there really is nothing I can do but keep NOT doing anything while feeling bad about it because I don't think I should do anything. Mouthful...

I get home today. My home. In Jamaica, because I live on the beach in Jamaica (I still can't believe it sometimes and it has been almost a year). And I look out of my screen door into my yard and I see Busha...this old man that fixes things around here when they get broken. He is such a nice and pleasant old man and today we picked mangoes together. We have not one...not two...but three different mango trees in my back yard. We only picked from one, but did I mention I have three mango trees growing in my back yard? So it wasn't like we were just picking. We were on the roof, with a big long stick of bamboo with wire at the end and we were hooking it and trying to catch them and it was such an adventure! And then I got two of the six that were ripe. I will take pics and post them eventually.

Second thing I am happy about: Pizza. It is just about the best thing ever. Especially when made with beer. I made the best pizza I may have ever eaten last night. I am pretty happy about that. I ruined the last one but this was incredible!

Third thing: Podcasts! Can you say NPR-Fresh Air & Talk of the Nation. Not to mention Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher (who is fucking hilarious!). I am so having fun with talk radio at the moment and can't wait to listen to my next Bill Maher episode...these are all free.

Fourth thing: My social life is good. It is not the best because I live in Jamaica, but compared to many, I could be out every night of the week. This always comes and goes but right now I have been pretty social and it feels good. I am meeting a lot of really awesome people. Well, not a lot, but some awesome and some REALLY awesome people. I am thankful for that.

Fifth thing: Obama. I am reading Dreams from my Father right now and it is incredible. He is an amazing writer. I knew that of course. I have heard his speeches and excerpts, but this is just incredible. I stay awake to read it at night, which is hard to do because I already stay up to late. I heart Obama.

Sixth: Bounty bars with peanut butter. Cold and chunky peanut butter if I'm going to be frank. Damn good and does wonderful things to my soul. It isn't good for me but dude, I don't care.

Seventh thing to be happy for: BOWL OF NOUNS. 'NUFF SAID.

Finally, the last thing I am going to mention because I am a total dork is that I have been chuckling all day because I have been writing a song in my head. Kind of... I have been learning guitar and playing a lot and I am going to wirte a song. It is about Jamaican Anacondas. It is a satire about Jamaican steel and how awesome it is. I will have to record it and post when I am threw. Give me some time on this folks.

I think that is it. It has been bugging me that my last post was such a downer. I have plenty to whine about, but I am choosing not to.

Did you hear about my mangoes? ;)

"All your problems will go away if you just don't care as much"

Says my brother. Apparently, I am sensitive. Ya think! I care too much. I am too sensitive. I know these things. But, at the same time, I don't think that I want to not care. Maybe I couldn't accomplish as much if I were more apathetic. At the same time, my regulator seems a little out of whack.

Case in point: There is a dog next door. Bubbles/Sophie/Spot. She is this sweet little dog not 2 years old and is neglected, tied to a tree, and has about a foot and a half on her chain. I have done nothing about it. I have brought her food on occasion, but she isn't skinny. She is kinda fat. She is fed, her life is just empty and miserable. What am I supposed to do about that? She got pregnant. Her nine babies turned into one. I am not expecting it to survive. I have walked past this dog everyday several times a day wondering if I shouldn't feed her better food, make sure she has lots of water, etc. I feel like I watched these puppies dwindle and die and I did nothing. My logic was to help them survive so that they can have miserable lives, or let nature run its course. It was hard, and I'm not sure I made the right decision, but something is keeping me from intervening. It isn't keeping my stomach from turning everyday (literally unfortunately). What do I do? I am trying to observe, and learn. To understand why things are the way they are.

I am frustrated with all the unnecessary pain and suffering I see everyday everywhere. I can't fix it all. All I can do is be the very best person I can be and try to learn about how the world works so that I can make a positive impact in it.

God damn I'm an asshole, and I made a new friend.

Man, sometime it gets away from me and I don't even realize it until I say something so stupid and insensitive. I am not a poor Jamaican. By Jamaican standards I am not a poor American in Jamaica. However, by my American standards, I am a poor American in Jamaica. Since I am American, although I try to be as open to learning and culturally aware as possible, I can make the stupid and insensitive remarks that make me an asshole...to my new friend. My new friend who was asking me about how I live here, where, who pays me. All the normal who the heck are you and what are you doing in my country questions. And I ran my mouth off (money issues this month due to PC not reimbursing me in a timely manner, although I was venting about being poor in general). Then I found out my new friend works as hard as I do and gets paid almost half as much. I forget sometimes that the socioeconomic set up is so different that overall perspectives on everyday life changes from culture to culture. Being poor is a way of life for most people in Jamaica. There is a huge very lower class, a marginal middle class and high class. It might be a shock to us to live the way we do, but to Jamaicans, we have nothing to complain about... and they are right. Stories here that would make us Americans hold our breath and shed a tear, are just stories people tell in conversation because they are so commonplace and accepted.

I messed up today. It was humbling. Reflecting on it feels good, minus the being an asshole part. Thank you Jamaica for giving me this opportunity to learn. And grow.

My new friend is going to teach me how to cook. Ackee and saltfish, dumplings, boiled and fried, callalloo, yams, breadfruit, stewed peas, curry goat, curry chicken, rice and peas...I am excited.

My new friend is going to teach me how to braid. I want to take that skill home with me. I would like to be able to french braid my own hair.

I hope this works out. If this works out the way I hope, I may have just been adopted into a family here. Kind, smart, sweet people.

I wish I could type more. I want to tell you all about it, but it is so late and I can't sleep because I am afriad I am going to get raided by a bunch of angry roaches (Houston we have a problem). But that doesn't mean I am not tired.

Is the cup half full or half empty?

Market in Lucea, Hanover (pronounced Lucy)


There are two ways to look at yesterday.

1.) Little sleep happened. Stupid roosters at 2am. I could murder them, I really could, although I guess all I really fantasize about is finding them and kicking them, so maybe I wouldn't be able to kill them. A good kick. Stupid fucking roosters. On my way to work a car sped around Church Corner and narrowly missed plowing me down. I'm fine I say. Go about your day. Then, at the end of my day, a tour van (15 passenger) was coming in my direction at a very fast speed and swerved directly towards me for a head on collision with my face. There isn't even enough time for me to move. I am just frozen. Bracing for impact. At the last second the van swerves back onto the road. The last fucking second. I really thought I was going to die. Burger King was a bad idea for lunch. Immediate bloat. Very immediate heartburn. Dumb move Tami. Tired Day. Although I did not fall to the ground and start rocking in sheer panic from that last close call (which is what I felt like doing), instead I kept walking. That is all you can do. Just breath and keep walking...but the anxiety was built up in me. Which resulted in very little sleep last night again.

2.) Things are going really great at work. The meeting last week was a success and there is a lot of work to be done because of it. I got most of the UNDP interim report done for our grant. Very productive day. My co-workers were asking me for advice. I bumped into a Jamaican from up the street that I haven't talked to in a while and she remembered me and my name (cultural integration wohoo!). Got a key for the office so that I can work late if I need to. Privacy. I was praised for my work. I had dinner last night with some poeple and made some new aquaintences in town.

I like the second one. Sometimes, it is easy to pick all the shitty things that happen throughout every day because you can't escape it, but one of the most important things for my survival here, is being happy at work. Yesterday I was walking and thinking that I love it here. I meant that not like THIS PLACE IS AMAZING I AM SO HAPPY. More like, this place is so full of beauty and opportunity and I am learning. It is more like an appreciation love. I so appreciate this opportunity to come and learn. I am learning.