I am tired of being a female in a sexually aggressive culture.

I think I have learned my lesson. It happens every time. Every. Single. Time. Back story...

Living in Jamaica is difficult. Living in Negril is especially difficult. The cultural differences are big. really big. (Side note:power just went out for second time in two days. Thank you charged iPOD and laptop) People talk about different things here. They dress different. They act different. Not necessarily bad, although some of it is bad, just different. For instance...simple cultural difference:

If you give a Jamaican your phone number, male or female, they will call you over and over again. They will leave messages, or not, but they will call over and over and over again. I first learned this lesson after meeting a girl named Jodi. She was nice. I wanted to make a girl-friend. I thought she might be able to show me things I couldn't do by myself or with a dude. This was bad. I told her I had friends in town and that I could do something the next week. She called that night. Several times. Then, she called me at 6am the next morning. Really. Then she proceeded to call me AT LEAST ten times a day for a couple of weeks. I answered sometimes to tell her I couldn't hang out. I kinda...lost interest pretty fast.

Then, I met a really nice guy I thought I might make friends with. I am trying to integrate...develop a community. I need to make friends who will introduce me to Jamaicans and teach me stuff right? Wrong, that is not what I need at all. I need their Jamaican steel. I need their baby. I need them to lick me. No. No. No. Ok, I get it. Don't give your number out. Bad idea.

Get this, the weekend before last I go to my friends place in Santa Cruz and this nice older man was sitting next to me. He was talking to me about politics, religion, farming, etc. It was really nice. The bus was loud. I was texting my bff Cecilia all the sweet late eighties, early nineties love ballads that were blasting, while carrying on this conversation. I was also trying to position my head so that I was not breathing my rank ass breath directly in his face (you know when it gets really bad and you know it is really bad but you can't do anything about it?) and we just chatted for like an hour. At the end of the ride it was late and Santa Cruz isn't one of the safer towns and he offered to take me where I was meeting Grace. Then he gives me a 3 tangerines, 2 oranges, and 1 custard apple. Produce is expensive, so this was sweet. He asked for my number so he could check on me now and again. I said sure and thought it was genuine and sweet. It was. However, his 24 year old son has been calling me daily no less than twice a day now for the last week and a half.

Don't give out your number!!! But it is hard because I have turned into a total hermit and I get invited out all the time and I almost always say no. I have reached a social exhaustion where I just don't have it in me. I know what the issue is. The people that invite me out...men. All of them. I only have one Jamaican female friend and she is wonderful, but also wonderfully quiet and shy and doesn't go out. So I have the owner of this bar, the manager of this hotel, the taxi guy that got my number etc calling me and I don't want to deal with any of it. I want numbers so I can call people when I feel like going out. There is this one guy I just met and he is really cool. I am going to try to hang out with him, but once again, can we be friends or does he just know the American approach? Ugh....man.

And this is hard to because I need to be culturally sensitive and sometimes I can walk down the street and try to understand. I try to understand the culture and the history. It isn't always easy though when I am trying to walk down the street and I am being yelled out to every five feet. Sometimes it just feels dirts and gross. Today was a dirty and gross day.

I am concerned I am not going to be able to integrate into the community here like many volunteers can. White people are everywhere. I am no one special. I am white and rich. I am resented. I am hated by some even. The racism I have experienced has been intense. I have never feared for my physical safety, but the blind hate is really disenchanting. If I had more money, I wouldn't spend it doing the touristy stuff that is around, I would use it to hang out in the beauty shop. I would get my hair done, my nails done, a facial, I don't know. That is where the ladies hang out. I want to know what it is really like here, but the cultural barriers blow my mind.

This culture is so incredibly sexual. More than anything else I have experienced. They are aggressive too. Guys will just grab your hand or arm and pull you into them on the street. Being able to diffuse a situation without either me or the ass loosing face is one of my new skills. What I really want to say is, "Are you really so desparate for attention that you feel the need to say something that a 12 year old would say, while grabbing your crotch? Really? Does that work? Ever? Because it is ridiculous." Instead, I dismiss them in the same way the ladies do. I close my eyes and turn my head while lifting my eyebrows (major attitude in the brow lift) and then open my eyes again. It basically means, you are not worth my time.

Tomorrow I leave for Ocho Rios for the Peace Corps Early Service Conference. I am excited to see everyone. I am not excited for the meetings that usually end up being a waste of time. I am leaving a day early because otherwise I would have to get up at like 5am to go on Wednesday morning. That is not happening. My friend is getting a room at the hotel the conference is in so I am going to crash with him. Should be grueling, but there are perks...

What a trip this life thing is...

Me and a student. Tour at the Recycling Center.

Something is happening to me here. This lifestyle is changing me. I am changing. It isn't bad. Sometimes it feels bad, but it is helping me transform into the person I know I can be. When you are in a social circle, or many, it is easy to get sucked in. It is fun and comfortable. I did that in Portland. I got cozy in my life and had no reason to pull away from it. But I am here now, and I am realizing that I am still me, but something has changed that brings a smile to my face. My self-worth, or confidence, or self-esteem or something has blossomed...and it isn't done yet. I know I am not explaining myself well right now, but I feel more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever have in my life. I have always been pretty good at standing up for myself. There is this saying that goes something along the lines of, "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." and I have had to have several confrontations with some very intimidating people (Jamaicans can be very verbally aggressive), and I was calm, when usually I would be trembling. I would do it, but I would have a little nervous tremor. Not lately. Lately it is soooo gone. It might not be gone forever, but I have been firm, and honest with people and it has been well received and has felt really good! I had to sit my supervisor down and have a chat with him because he has been flaking on me. I had to tell the manager of the office that I refused to do a task that he was almost yelling at me to do. I had to send an email to two very prominent people on the Chamber board and stand my ground on issues. I feel like I am earning respect in this community and it feels so good.

There are other things I wish I felt more comfortable with. Like what I am truly supposed to be doing. I just finished reading Three Cups of Tea, which is amazing...read it. One thing I am learning as I age are my limitations. My life goal used to be winning the Nobel Peace Prize, not for the money, or the notoriety, but because that would mean that I have spent my life making a difference. I realize that there are certain people who can do those sorts of things and those who cannot. My personality means that I lean towards certain things. I don't have it in me to do the things that Mr. Mortensen can do. That doesn't mean that I am not going to spend my life trying to make a difference, just that I don't have a fire that burns as bright as his.

I am realizing many things being in the Peace Corps. First, I am not sure I agree with the Peace Corps. The style of developmental aid (PCV) is inefficient and creates more dependence on aid. I also think that we act as PR for the United States. We are little seeds in communities around the world acting like a poster child for the USA so that people like us. I guess that is the "Peace Corps," but the people who join really want to make a difference, but that is difficult to impossible when we are under trained, and not given any resources. Many of us are fresh out of college and have never had a real job. What that means is that volunteers are left to make something out of nothing and it is an adventure, and a challenge. It is truly amazing and is why I am growing so much, but how does that help the Jamaican people? By the end of service, a PCV costs the US Govt. between $80-100,000. We have between 80-100 volunteers in Jamaica alone. That is $10,000,000. If we set up educational programs to teach Jamaican's what they needed to know to take care of themselves, they would be able to make their own change, which comes with a lot more pride, than asking for handouts year after year. There are plenty of Jamaicans here that are educated, but can't find work. Engineers that can't engineer because the job doesn't exist so they drive a taxi instead. All the businesses work the same and it is unorganized and sloppy. Adults need training. In everything, but I see a lot of good in business education, management, accounting, waste management, IT, and community development. Or, if the Peace Corps would send someone into an organization to scope it out, figure out the needs, and training required, and then take care of those things, we would really be working ourselves out of a job. After 4+ months, I know what my site needs. Business development. The Chamber of Commerce needs to know how to manage. They need to know about marketing, public relations, management, organization. The place is a mess. At the Recycling Center, where I am stationed mostly, we need money to do anything, but we also need my supe to know project management, time management, money management. He needs things I cannot teach him. I am working on him though, keeping him on his toes.

I am happy here. There are so many things that make this place so hard, but like I said, these are good things. I am saying that I don't believe in the Peace Corps, and yet I am here representing the Peace Corps. It makes me wonder on a daily basis if I am here more for selfish reasons. I have told myself that if I am here more for me than for the people of Jamaica than I need to leave, but I don't think I can. I am here for the people of Jamaica, but not in the capacity that will result in the best outcome for them. I am still figuring out what I do and do not agree with about all this stuff. I have to remember that the first two goals are about cultural exchange, and the third is about capacity building and skills transfer. It is all quite a dilemma figuring this out in my mind. But I am not going anywhere. I can't. I have ideas. I am motivated to keep doing what I am doing. I am learning about international development that might guide my career choices in the future. But it is true. I think being here, choosing the Peace Corps, was more selfish than selfless. I am learning how to make that ok in my head. It makes my stomach turn here and there, but that doesn't take much.

What a trip this life thing is.


I have some more things to add to my list of clever discoveries:

1.) Buying really cheap neon pink lotion called Supreme Extreme hand and body lotion, instead of imported gillette for shaving cream saves you loads of money. It is such a good investment I am not even ashamed that I have it where people can see it.
2.) Buying really cheap antibacterial body wash and diluting it half way and putting it in your hand wash container is like 3x cheaper than buying actual hand soap.
3.) I really love smoothies in the morning! They aren't even expensive. Just water, plain yogurt, a banana, and powdered soy milk. I plan to experiment with this more. When it is mango season I am going to be in heaven.
4.) Scotch Bonnet makes everything taste better.


Things still to learn (and any PCVJ out there want to help me out with this, feel free),

1.) Keeping my clothes from molding. I have started hanging up most of them to get more air. I think I need to switch laundry detergent, but they are all so expensive.
2.) How to be a woman in Jamaica. It is not easy.

Random stuff, life rocks, baths in Jamaica suck

So many things I don't blog about. There are lots of things I don't tell anyone about. They are just for me. Experiences that are so profound that it is amazing just thinking about it. No way to explain how something clicks, or makes sense, or you see something that puts so many things in perspective all at once. It is like a eureka moment on steroids. I dig it. There are things I do and will share.

Starting with my failed attempt at a hot bath. Why on earth would someone want to take a hot bath in Jamaica? I am not even sure. I wanted to feel the water on my skin. I wanted the candlelight and the music (Antony and the Johnsons). Well, first of all, I had to switch on my hot water heater. I have been taking all cold showers, this is only the second time I have used it since being here. While that was heating, I went to scrub the mold out of my shower (everything molds here!). Then I lit my candle that is wedged strategically inside an Appleton Rum jar, then I placed my fan in the doorway so I wouldn't get too hot. Then I start filling the tub. Now, the water was hot but to speed things along, and in case it wasn't hot enough, I put not one, but two pots of water on to boil. I go to check my progress in the tub and the water is getting cooler so I know the water boiling was a good idea. However, my damn candle went out. I realized that the fan was blowing out my candle. I rearranged the fan, lit the candle, and the candle went out. This repeated several times until I realized that if a fan is placed anywhere in the bathroom, the light is going to go out. Fine. My water is ready, I pour it in. I get into the bath now worried I am going to be super hot since I no longer have the fan. Wrong, somehow, the water was actually cold. I got in my bath and I was cold. I wish I could say that at least it felt nice, but it didn't. I wasn't hot to begin with so I was uber cold, then the back of the tub wasn't angled at all so I wound up really uncomfortable in a cold bath. And that is the end of that story.

I also want to mention some things I am learning through experience:

1.) Don't buy a machete unless you know how to use one and what you are going to use it for (at least it looks super cool next to my door)
2.) You can make planters by cutting plastic bottles in two and poking holes in them.
3.) Your clothes will mildew and mold faster in the dresser, put them in the closet.
4.) Don't make eye contact with men, it means in weird Jamaican language that I want to have sex with them.
5.) Sometimes when you are at the hardware store and standing in a semi-non-existent line and people keep moving in front of you (for 30 min), the only thing you can do is walk to the desk and yell, "Can someone please serve me?!"
6.) Roofs in Jamaica also serve as patios, laundry lines, and gardens. I just doubled the size of my place.
7.) Even though it is more hand washing to do, go through 2 pairs of underwear a day instead of suffering with one. I can only feel moist and sweaty for so long.
8.) Don't ever give your number to people you don't actually want to call you.
9.) Don't allow yourself to fantasize too much about being in your favorite coffee shop, drinking coffee and looking out the window at all the doug firs and the rain and talking to someone you want to see badly. It only makes you sad.
10.) Don't put egg shells in the compost pile. Lucky the dog drags them out.

I'm so tired. I want to badly to write about my experience in the hardware store where I got nicknamed 'Obama', or the taxi driver that gave me a free ride, or the breadfruit and june plum trees I climbed, or the really intimidating appearance as a guest speaker that I kicked ass at. Instead, I will leave you all with my love. This is amazing. When I have time to give the rant, I will, but now, I just love. I love what is and what can be. I love the pain and challenge and discomfort I am in and I love the learning and growing it is forcing me to do. I love my friends, my long lost friends, and my really long lost friends. I love my dad and brother. I love that I am alive and can see and breath and think and talk everyday and share this life will all of you.

Love.

Was is something I said, did, didn't do?

Probably. Well, yes. I spent the weekend in Santa Cruz with my darling friend Grace and was a little unhappy when I got home and had to deal with moldy clothes in my closet, moldy sheets, and moldy chair cover (which is actually also a sheet). Because it is always so moist, it is impossible to keep things dry (that's what she said) no matter how are I try. So, I spent the afternoon after a ridiculous half day of traveling doing laundry. Three loads, and I have another soaking in my bathtub. I was trying to get the sheet off my ottoman and I lifted it up and dropped it on my middle toe, which is now purple and hurts like a sonofabitch.

All in all, I feel like Jamaica and I are not good friends. However, I have myself pretty psyched up to have a good week so I will have to see how that goes.

That's all I got today. I am tired.

My pledge to Obama

President Obama,

To you I pledge:

- to support you as president, even in the face of scrutiny
- to question your choices and keep myself informed as to the happenings of the world
- to remain hopeful and positive even if I want to throw my hands in the air and give up
- to do more than I have done and am doing to be a part of the change I want to see in the world
- to be the best person I can be, recognize my faults, and understand my role in this world

I have never felt more hope and pride as an American as I do right now. We have chosen this man to lead us into a better world. He can't do it alone. We have to help. It is up to all of us to pull our heads out of our ass, step out of our bubble, and work together to make the world better for everyone. There is good in everyone, we need to synergize that shit!

I am really hopeful, but I believe and have faith that we are going to see things change. I am going to continue to work for this change.

Peace out.

Tami

Do these Jamaican's make me look fat?

Here is a cultural lesson for you.

America: Wow, Tami, you are getting fat.
Me: You are an asshole.

Jamaica: You are looking fatter than you were.
Me: Thanks, that is so nice of you to say. (Although in my head it doesn't go that way.)

In the states, you tell people that they have lost weight to compliment them. In America you want to be thin. Thin is healthy. Thin is not healthy in Jamaica. Fat is healthy. If you are skinny they call you 'magga.' Which is not complimentary.

So yes, I lost a ton of weight being sick, and yes I have been eating A LOT to catch up, but seriously, is that sooooo noticeable that 2 different people commented on it today? I still look great so I am not freaking out, but instead reveling at the cultural experience I had today. One of my co-workers said they could tell I was happy here because "You have been putting on some weight." And of course I though they said, "I can tell you are pulling your weight." So I was like, "Oh thanks, I have been working really hard." To which he replied, "No, I said you are gaining weight! You must be getting healthier." Ok, I know this is a compliment so it is fine but very shocking. Just like being told I am going to have my throat slit because someone hates white people is a little shocking to hear (yes this happened, reverse racism is an interesting thing). So tonight I was offered a free ride halfway home from someone I know from the neighborhood and that left me to walk the rest of the way. In retrospect it wasn't a good idea because I had two arms full of groceries and the back way made me walk up and down 2 significant hills, plus on the way I got my fat comment number two. Walking down my second hill and about 1/8 mile from my house there is this one area on the side of the road that these 4 nice ladies always sit and talk to passersby. I haven't seen them in awhile because I have been riding my sweet new bicycle to work so I stopped to say hello. The first thing my favorite lady says is, "Oh Tami! You are getting fat!" Come on people! This time I said something jokingly like how that is the second time someone today has told me I am getting fat. She tells me that it is the good fat and not the too fat. Also that I look good and strong and healthy. So these are compliments, but because I am accostomed to it being rude, it is an interesting transition to hear and not be like 'excuse me'! Anyways ...thought it was interesting and wanted to share.