Me and a student. Tour at the Recycling Center. Something is happening to me here. This lifestyle is changing me. I am changing. It isn't bad. Sometimes it feels bad, but it is helping me transform into the person I know I can be. When you are in a social circle, or many, it is easy to get sucked in. It is fun and comfortable. I did that in Portland. I got cozy in my life and had no reason to pull away from it. But I am here now, and I am realizing that I am still me, but something has changed that brings a smile to my face. My self-worth, or confidence, or self-esteem or something has blossomed...and it isn't done yet. I know I am not explaining myself well right now, but I feel more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever have in my life. I have always been pretty good at standing up for myself. There is this saying that goes something along the lines of, "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." and I have had to have several confrontations with some very intimidating people (Jamaicans can be very verbally aggressive), and I was calm, when usually I would be trembling. I would do it, but I would have a little nervous tremor. Not lately. Lately it is soooo gone. It might not be gone forever, but I have been firm, and honest with people and it has been well received and has felt really good! I had to sit my supervisor down and have a chat with him because he has been flaking on me. I had to tell the manager of the office that I refused to do a task that he was almost yelling at me to do. I had to send an email to two very prominent people on the Chamber board and stand my ground on issues. I feel like I am earning respect in this community and it feels so good.
There are other things I wish I felt more comfortable with. Like what I am truly supposed to be doing. I just finished reading Three Cups of Tea, which is amazing...read it. One thing I am learning as I age are my limitations. My life goal used to be winning the Nobel Peace Prize, not for the money, or the notoriety, but because that would mean that I have spent my life making a difference. I realize that there are certain people who can do those sorts of things and those who cannot. My personality means that I lean towards certain things. I don't have it in me to do the things that Mr. Mortensen can do. That doesn't mean that I am not going to spend my life trying to make a difference, just that I don't have a fire that burns as bright as his.
I am realizing many things being in the Peace Corps. First, I am not sure I agree with the Peace Corps. The style of developmental aid (PCV) is inefficient and creates more dependence on aid. I also think that we act as PR for the United States. We are little seeds in communities around the world acting like a poster child for the USA so that people like us. I guess that is the "Peace Corps," but the people who join really want to make a difference, but that is difficult to impossible when we are under trained, and not given any resources. Many of us are fresh out of college and have never had a real job. What that means is that volunteers are left to make something out of nothing and it is an adventure, and a challenge. It is truly amazing and is why I am growing so much, but how does that help the Jamaican people? By the end of service, a PCV costs the US Govt. between $80-100,000. We have between 80-100 volunteers in Jamaica alone. That is $10,000,000. If we set up educational programs to teach Jamaican's what they needed to know to take care of themselves, they would be able to make their own change, which comes with a lot more pride, than asking for handouts year after year. There are plenty of Jamaicans here that are educated, but can't find work. Engineers that can't engineer because the job doesn't exist so they drive a taxi instead. All the businesses work the same and it is unorganized and sloppy. Adults need training. In everything, but I see a lot of good in business education, management, accounting, waste management, IT, and community development. Or, if the Peace Corps would send someone into an organization to scope it out, figure out the needs, and training required, and then take care of those things, we would really be working ourselves out of a job. After 4+ months, I know what my site needs. Business development. The Chamber of Commerce needs to know how to manage. They need to know about marketing, public relations, management, organization. The place is a mess. At the Recycling Center, where I am stationed mostly, we need money to do anything, but we also need my supe to know project management, time management, money management. He needs things I cannot teach him. I am working on him though, keeping him on his toes.
I am happy here. There are so many things that make this place so hard, but like I said, these are good things. I am saying that I don't believe in the Peace Corps, and yet I am here representing the Peace Corps. It makes me wonder on a daily basis if I am here more for selfish reasons. I have told myself that if I am here more for me than for the people of Jamaica than I need to leave, but I don't think I can. I am here for the people of Jamaica, but not in the capacity that will result in the best outcome for them. I am still figuring out what I do and do not agree with about all this stuff. I have to remember that the first two goals are about cultural exchange, and the third is about capacity building and skills transfer. It is all quite a dilemma figuring this out in my mind. But I am not going anywhere. I can't. I have ideas. I am motivated to keep doing what I am doing. I am learning about international development that might guide my career choices in the future. But it is true. I think being here, choosing the Peace Corps, was more selfish than selfless. I am learning how to make that ok in my head. It makes my stomach turn here and there, but that doesn't take much.
What a trip this life thing is.
I have some more things to add to my list of clever discoveries:
1.) Buying really cheap neon pink lotion called Supreme Extreme hand and body lotion, instead of imported gillette for shaving cream saves you loads of money. It is such a good investment I am not even ashamed that I have it where people can see it.
2.) Buying really cheap antibacterial body wash and diluting it half way and putting it in your hand wash container is like 3x cheaper than buying actual hand soap.
3.) I really love smoothies in the morning! They aren't even expensive. Just water, plain yogurt, a banana, and powdered soy milk. I plan to experiment with this more. When it is mango season I am going to be in heaven.
4.) Scotch Bonnet makes everything taste better.
Things still to learn (and any PCVJ out there want to help me out with this, feel free),
1.) Keeping my clothes from molding. I have started hanging up most of them to get more air. I think I need to switch laundry detergent, but they are all so expensive.
2.) How to be a woman in Jamaica. It is not easy.
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