Caring continued...

I live here. Just saying.



I am done with the caring too much post. It was originally going to end on happy notes but I was so damn tired I couldn't write anymore.

On to happier times: There are so many things to be happy about! The blog I wrote about last night was my attempt at externalizing something unsettling that I was making a conscious decision about. But there really is nothing I can do but keep NOT doing anything while feeling bad about it because I don't think I should do anything. Mouthful...

I get home today. My home. In Jamaica, because I live on the beach in Jamaica (I still can't believe it sometimes and it has been almost a year). And I look out of my screen door into my yard and I see Busha...this old man that fixes things around here when they get broken. He is such a nice and pleasant old man and today we picked mangoes together. We have not one...not two...but three different mango trees in my back yard. We only picked from one, but did I mention I have three mango trees growing in my back yard? So it wasn't like we were just picking. We were on the roof, with a big long stick of bamboo with wire at the end and we were hooking it and trying to catch them and it was such an adventure! And then I got two of the six that were ripe. I will take pics and post them eventually.

Second thing I am happy about: Pizza. It is just about the best thing ever. Especially when made with beer. I made the best pizza I may have ever eaten last night. I am pretty happy about that. I ruined the last one but this was incredible!

Third thing: Podcasts! Can you say NPR-Fresh Air & Talk of the Nation. Not to mention Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher (who is fucking hilarious!). I am so having fun with talk radio at the moment and can't wait to listen to my next Bill Maher episode...these are all free.

Fourth thing: My social life is good. It is not the best because I live in Jamaica, but compared to many, I could be out every night of the week. This always comes and goes but right now I have been pretty social and it feels good. I am meeting a lot of really awesome people. Well, not a lot, but some awesome and some REALLY awesome people. I am thankful for that.

Fifth thing: Obama. I am reading Dreams from my Father right now and it is incredible. He is an amazing writer. I knew that of course. I have heard his speeches and excerpts, but this is just incredible. I stay awake to read it at night, which is hard to do because I already stay up to late. I heart Obama.

Sixth: Bounty bars with peanut butter. Cold and chunky peanut butter if I'm going to be frank. Damn good and does wonderful things to my soul. It isn't good for me but dude, I don't care.

Seventh thing to be happy for: BOWL OF NOUNS. 'NUFF SAID.

Finally, the last thing I am going to mention because I am a total dork is that I have been chuckling all day because I have been writing a song in my head. Kind of... I have been learning guitar and playing a lot and I am going to wirte a song. It is about Jamaican Anacondas. It is a satire about Jamaican steel and how awesome it is. I will have to record it and post when I am threw. Give me some time on this folks.

I think that is it. It has been bugging me that my last post was such a downer. I have plenty to whine about, but I am choosing not to.

Did you hear about my mangoes? ;)

"All your problems will go away if you just don't care as much"

Says my brother. Apparently, I am sensitive. Ya think! I care too much. I am too sensitive. I know these things. But, at the same time, I don't think that I want to not care. Maybe I couldn't accomplish as much if I were more apathetic. At the same time, my regulator seems a little out of whack.

Case in point: There is a dog next door. Bubbles/Sophie/Spot. She is this sweet little dog not 2 years old and is neglected, tied to a tree, and has about a foot and a half on her chain. I have done nothing about it. I have brought her food on occasion, but she isn't skinny. She is kinda fat. She is fed, her life is just empty and miserable. What am I supposed to do about that? She got pregnant. Her nine babies turned into one. I am not expecting it to survive. I have walked past this dog everyday several times a day wondering if I shouldn't feed her better food, make sure she has lots of water, etc. I feel like I watched these puppies dwindle and die and I did nothing. My logic was to help them survive so that they can have miserable lives, or let nature run its course. It was hard, and I'm not sure I made the right decision, but something is keeping me from intervening. It isn't keeping my stomach from turning everyday (literally unfortunately). What do I do? I am trying to observe, and learn. To understand why things are the way they are.

I am frustrated with all the unnecessary pain and suffering I see everyday everywhere. I can't fix it all. All I can do is be the very best person I can be and try to learn about how the world works so that I can make a positive impact in it.

God damn I'm an asshole, and I made a new friend.

Man, sometime it gets away from me and I don't even realize it until I say something so stupid and insensitive. I am not a poor Jamaican. By Jamaican standards I am not a poor American in Jamaica. However, by my American standards, I am a poor American in Jamaica. Since I am American, although I try to be as open to learning and culturally aware as possible, I can make the stupid and insensitive remarks that make me an asshole...to my new friend. My new friend who was asking me about how I live here, where, who pays me. All the normal who the heck are you and what are you doing in my country questions. And I ran my mouth off (money issues this month due to PC not reimbursing me in a timely manner, although I was venting about being poor in general). Then I found out my new friend works as hard as I do and gets paid almost half as much. I forget sometimes that the socioeconomic set up is so different that overall perspectives on everyday life changes from culture to culture. Being poor is a way of life for most people in Jamaica. There is a huge very lower class, a marginal middle class and high class. It might be a shock to us to live the way we do, but to Jamaicans, we have nothing to complain about... and they are right. Stories here that would make us Americans hold our breath and shed a tear, are just stories people tell in conversation because they are so commonplace and accepted.

I messed up today. It was humbling. Reflecting on it feels good, minus the being an asshole part. Thank you Jamaica for giving me this opportunity to learn. And grow.

My new friend is going to teach me how to cook. Ackee and saltfish, dumplings, boiled and fried, callalloo, yams, breadfruit, stewed peas, curry goat, curry chicken, rice and peas...I am excited.

My new friend is going to teach me how to braid. I want to take that skill home with me. I would like to be able to french braid my own hair.

I hope this works out. If this works out the way I hope, I may have just been adopted into a family here. Kind, smart, sweet people.

I wish I could type more. I want to tell you all about it, but it is so late and I can't sleep because I am afriad I am going to get raided by a bunch of angry roaches (Houston we have a problem). But that doesn't mean I am not tired.

Is the cup half full or half empty?

Market in Lucea, Hanover (pronounced Lucy)


There are two ways to look at yesterday.

1.) Little sleep happened. Stupid roosters at 2am. I could murder them, I really could, although I guess all I really fantasize about is finding them and kicking them, so maybe I wouldn't be able to kill them. A good kick. Stupid fucking roosters. On my way to work a car sped around Church Corner and narrowly missed plowing me down. I'm fine I say. Go about your day. Then, at the end of my day, a tour van (15 passenger) was coming in my direction at a very fast speed and swerved directly towards me for a head on collision with my face. There isn't even enough time for me to move. I am just frozen. Bracing for impact. At the last second the van swerves back onto the road. The last fucking second. I really thought I was going to die. Burger King was a bad idea for lunch. Immediate bloat. Very immediate heartburn. Dumb move Tami. Tired Day. Although I did not fall to the ground and start rocking in sheer panic from that last close call (which is what I felt like doing), instead I kept walking. That is all you can do. Just breath and keep walking...but the anxiety was built up in me. Which resulted in very little sleep last night again.

2.) Things are going really great at work. The meeting last week was a success and there is a lot of work to be done because of it. I got most of the UNDP interim report done for our grant. Very productive day. My co-workers were asking me for advice. I bumped into a Jamaican from up the street that I haven't talked to in a while and she remembered me and my name (cultural integration wohoo!). Got a key for the office so that I can work late if I need to. Privacy. I was praised for my work. I had dinner last night with some poeple and made some new aquaintences in town.

I like the second one. Sometimes, it is easy to pick all the shitty things that happen throughout every day because you can't escape it, but one of the most important things for my survival here, is being happy at work. Yesterday I was walking and thinking that I love it here. I meant that not like THIS PLACE IS AMAZING I AM SO HAPPY. More like, this place is so full of beauty and opportunity and I am learning. It is more like an appreciation love. I so appreciate this opportunity to come and learn. I am learning.

Cows, you ain't got nothing on me!

Ashley and I
Liza, Me, Ashley, Megan
My weekend was awesome. Lots of play with lots of friends! My highlight was definitely the 15 mile bike ride along the ocean on back trails through the West End. It was me, Ashley, Keith, and Lindsay out for a day of adventure and adventure we had! We had to plow through giant scary cows that we felt threatened by, we got to lift our bikes over giant rock mounds and gates, and we got to explore rocky beaches with blow holes! It was exhausting but so satisfying. I can't wait to do it again with someone. Lot's of scratches and a little sunburn, but we all made it out alright.

Keith is tough!
Blowholes!



This week is intense at work. So we are trying to get our recycling going....which is hard. Wednesday is a meeting I have arranged with many of the hotels that bring their bottles to us. Peter and I basically have to charm the crap out of them, and show them what an amazing community project this could be with a little more support. Arranging this has occupied much of my time at work the last two weeks. Emails, follow up calls, a proposal, agenda, arranging refreshments, getting Peter prepared....I am so nervous. What to wear? Obviously my black flats, long black pants, and a button down shirt. Or a skirt? Tough call.

I am also going to start co-teaching a life skills class twice a month at the Theodora Foundation and designing and running a service learning program. This I am really excited about. I will explain more when I have worked out all my ideas for this. Very exciting!

Hopefully I will be diving more to help out with our coral reef monitoring section of our project. I might potentially dive as early as Sunday and I couldn't be more excited about that.

I think that is it for now. Just doing more of the same. Cooking a lot. Eating a lot.

Be kind. Rewind.

Rescue Blues, New York New York, Firecracker

Here I am, Thursday morning. Taking my time (should be getting to work in 7 minutes) getting ready. Half the time no one is even there until almost 9:30. The culture of late. Now I make it a point not to get in until 9:30 or so. A girl can only wait outside her work for 20 minutes so many times.

The sun is out, not a cloud in the sky. I am sitting here listening to Ryan Adams, made some hot breakfast tea, and reheated my red bean soup for breakfast. Lots of hot things for such a hot place. I have learned that hearty stuff keeps me full longer. My red bean soup is just, well, red beans, water, callalloo, carrot, pumpkin, onion, and potato. Super easy, super good, and super good for me!

I have a friend coming into Negril today and I was going to try and get off early but just found out I have a 4pm meeting. YUCK.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO! It is my brother's 21st today. I have no way of getting in touch with him and I want to see what he is doing so bad! I hope he has a good time doing what 21 year olds do.

My 21st was awesome. It started simple at a pizza place, Kris bought me my first drink. An apple martini. It was soooo sweeet. Oh, and I had a pig shaped cake. It was awesome! So many people were buying me drinks. I don't even remember what all I drank. Me and my posse went from bar to bar to bar. I eventually was not allowed to go into the Shanghai Tunnel because the bouncer felt I was too intoxicated. I have never been denied entrance into anything! Naturally I started to cry and ran around the corner to call Jordan, my then long distance boyfriend. I eventually recovered and all was well. Until the next morning. Man, I am glad you only turn 21 once. Be careful and safe Rob.

Yesterday I turned in a grant for $100,000 USD. My supervisor procrastinated until the last minute again and I refused to help him scramble. I was not going to stress myself out again because he doesn't have his sh*t together. However, he came into the office yesterday and we were able to get it done and finish it up. The budget was intense and I rocked that mofo! Today I have to work on a proposal we are going to present to all the hoteliers at the Recycling Center to try and get them to give us some money. We need repairs. And a planning meeting for Earth Day.

Yes, it is another day in Jamaica.

I do lists.

Things I am grateful for:

1. water pressure
2. the ocean across my street
3. access to grocery stores in my town
4. my fan
5. my hot water heater
6. blender
7. toaster
8. roof space to hang my laundry
9. dumb ass yard dog Lucky (keeps my bike from getting stolen)
10. People here that look out for me
11. friends back home that listen to me and my ranting and raving
12. my increased ability to stand up for myself
13. i can cook
14. the ten books on my shelf I have at my disposal to read
15. The 100+ ob tampons I have brought from the states

Projects I have been working on or aspire to work on:

1. Practicing guitar
2. painting
   
3. learn how to make pizza crust
4. perfect Mexican food in Jamaica
5. rearrange my room
6. flip over my bed (dent in it from always laying in the same place)
7. organize Tupperware
   
8. bike up to the lighthouse and back every morning before work
9. pilates 3x a week
10. yoga 3x a week

Things I can live without but still wish I had:

1. French press
   
2. skillet
3. frying pan
4. curtains that didn't look like I lived in a creepy old castle
5. friends in Negril
6. dry erase board for all my lists
7. washer machine
8. more patience
9. better ice cube trays
10. a non-rusty cheese grater

Things I really hate about Jamaica right now:

1. Roosters at dawn outside my window
2. inability to go on the beach without getting harassed
   
3. Jamaican penis
4. Absence of Dairy Queen
5. Lack of decent beer to drink
   
6. same songs play everyday, even at night, when i am trying to sleep

Things I really love about Jamaica right now:

1. Fried dumpling
2. swimming in the ocean
3. cute spring breaker boys (all too young...I am getting old)
4. not too hot
5. bored of lists....
6. ...
7. ..

I have nothing to say. It is Sunday night, I am trying to prepare my day/week for tomorrow. I will leave you with the photo I took at the grocery store. They are edible panties....next to the school supplies, at the front of the store. Appropriate? TIJ

Another day on the rock...

Negril is soon to RECYCLE!

I am sitting here eating whole wheat/festival mix/bran pancakes and sipping on my breakfast tea while listening to Derby on my awesomely loud speakers and typing this post online. I wonder if sometimes the reason I am going crazy is that this is all a tease of the life I used to live. Maybe if I didn't have all these amenities, I wouldn't feel so deprived of others! On the other hand, I have been contemplating cable...hmm....

It has taken a while, but we finally have some bins for our recycling project. Now we just need transportation to move them, and then regular transportation to pick up the plastics. Knowing Jamaica (and I am being realistic, not pessimistic) it will likely take another month to get it sorted out and moving.

I also have stopped by a couple of schools and one of them I hadn't been to for like 6 months and a bunch of the kids remembered me! It made me so excited. I am going to Whitehall Basic and Prep on Friday to give a presentation on recycling and trash. There is garbage everywhere. You can't escape it. Most of it is hidden from the tourists, but there will be big piles and entire fields of trash right off the main road that community members live in and next to. It makes me so sad that people have to live in filth. It is partly because they don't have any other option, but also, they put it there. They need education, and they need alternatives. Tada! Recycling!

I have been getting lazy with my dishes lately. I just had a battle with some cockroaches and won. Lesson learned. There were so many! I felt like a warrior. Fight to the death! I used a butter knife, cancer causing fumigation, a coffee cup, and my tampax (read into it what you will). In the end, I killed almost ten. Well, like 6 the first night and then there was a bunch more that died in the night from my spray. But whatever. They are dead and I killed them. I don't like killing things. I really don't. An ant is just being an ant. A fly just a fly. A roach just a roach. The problem with the last sentence, is that a roach will make 1,000,000 babies! I don't care if there is a roach outside, if I see one, I kill one. It is called roach prevention.

I have to take my HOT shower, do my dishes (roach prevention) and go to work.

I am the Tamahawk Cruise Missle!!! Watch out!

A house on my walk to work. He listens to the radio all day and sells bag juice for $15 (about 20 cents) to kids. Bag juice is well, bags of juice that are sealed and you bite the corners and suck out the sugar and syrup water.

TMI
Secrets...I don't really have any. Not really. I hate how they make me feel. I feel like of all the people I have and know in my life, if you put them all together, they would know everything about me. I just can't seem to hold them in. I tell people things I don't even want them to necessarily know, because I love and trust them. I wonder what it would be like if everyone was like that. I think I might even have a case of TMI. I know there are a few things I have been told that I wished I never knew.

Brain
I was talking to someone the other day about how I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, as the saying goes. Instead, they live in my gastrointestinal tract. My tummy has caused me so many problems here, and I know why. Even when I was little, every time I thought I was doing something wrong, I would get nauseous. Maybe the years of wear and tear on my stomach has created weakness. Now I get nauseated, diarrhea, wake up in the middle of the night with my chest on fire, terrible pain like someone is scooping my insides out with an ice cream scoop. Not all in the same day of course. I think I would have to kill myself of that was the case. Sometimes just reading the news gives me an upset stomach. Thinking about the little boy I saw get run over by the car last week makes me sick, but what is worse is that it is business as usual in Kingston, in Jamaica. Sometimes I wonder since I am exposed to so much poverty and a culture that is difficult to understand, that I dwell on more bad then good. So I decided I need to learn to be more in the moment. I don't try to feel everything at once, I just do. I need to work on that. So in the morning, after taking my crazy pill, I need to take the 'don't give a shit so much' pill. I wonder if Pfizer makes that.

Work. Trying to turn glass into money in a country where the market doesn't exist and you work with egotistical- power- hungry Jamaican males all day=not always fun.

Work

Lately, I have felt like I could never be in International Development as a lifelong career because I am tested so much at work. No one is testing me, I am doing it. I am forced to work with an organization that makes me a little sick. I can't leave, unless I really push. And even then, I am too invested in all the work I have done here so far. Instead, I am taking this opportunity to learn. I am learning about a culture that seems so ass backwards to me in so many ways, but they also run things, or fail to run things in ways that seem so obviously set up to fail. Anyways, my point is that I don't have a choice. This is my assignment. I am stuck, so I am learning. When my boss shows up and is a business man who carries around a gun and is on a power trip and a pig who tries to screw me every chance he gets, I realize that this is not the choice place for me to work. But I am here. I am standing up for myself, and my colleagues, and my work. I am admitting fault and failure when I mess up. I ask if I can take on responsibilities and projects that I am interested in, and I accommodate as best I can when I am asked to do things that I have no interest in. I have put my foot in my mouth a few times here and have dealt with it pretty well. Last week I accused the President of the Chamber of Commerce of funneling my grant money that I got for our project fair and square(!!), into the Chamber administration because they are so broke. He did not like that one. I did not play that one right. I learned. I grew. Today we had a three hour staff meeting where the prez ran off his mouth like he knew everything about everything, even though he only spends about an hour of week in the office. We all have full time jobs. We are all busy. He was piling more and more new work projects on everyone. I am supposed to start training one of the employees on grant writing and we suddenly had 3 grants to write that are due in the next couple of weeks. This is impossible. He is leaving in a few days for a 2 week long business trip. We were being asked to do something gargantuan without any support. We cannot create projects and build collaborations with other organizations and the writers that have no actual say in the project! Absurd! So no one was standing up to him. I did. I did and I didn't back down. He through a little temper tantrum which I have not seen. So far in the last 7 dys I have gotten him to yell at me over the phone and hten hang up on me, and throw a grant across the table and yell and pout. I am on a roll. But I stood my ground and people started backing me up and we got our point across. I learned there too. I was expecting something like that to happen. But I was also expecting my anxiety to turn into insta-diarrhea all over the office. Instead, I think I gained some respect from people in the office and I didn't even feel like I was going to throw up! Wohoo!!! Sometimes I have to remind myself that courage comes when you are afraid and you do something anyways. Like that quote that goes something like, "Speak your mind, even if you voice shakes." Even if it is a little thing. If you are nervous or afriad and you take that leap anyways...you grow. I grew a little today. Afterwards I felt like I was standing 10 feet tall so maybe today I grew a lot! So, in short (joking), I wonder if I was in a position that was different, I may be able to continue this kind of work. But I would have to be a little higher up on the totem pole. Here, I am just a student of life, love, pain, beauty, and suffering. Oh, and procrastination, and excuses, and a people that I don't understand. Only time will tell where I land, but my feet are definately off the ground right now.The kid in me.

Spirit
There are some places and some things that invoke certain emotions in me. Some people bring out the best in me. Some places bring out the worst. My grandmother always brought out the best in me. Even when she wasn't around. I used to get these cute little packages from her when I was in college. I remember once there was a pair of leopard print panties that were several sizes too big. I remember calling her and laughing about that one. They were on sale. She didn't remember how small I was (even though I am more of a medium). Man she could make me smile and she made me feel so loved. I felt truely adored by her. When I visited for Christmas, I was happy to see everyone, but I soaked up every minute I could have with her. She brought out the best in me. Jamaica does not have the same effect. I feel like Jamaica has brought out so many things in me that I don't like at all! I feel like I am emotionally high maintainence. I am on a roller coaster on my roller coaster. All over the place. And it is like sometimes I can't even control it. I will wake up one day and feel so good and nice, and the next I won't want to leave the house. I know what it is and it is to be expected, but it doesn't make it feel much better. I walk down the street and am harrassed. I go to work and nothing gets done, and I am harrassed. I try to be nice and get to know people and I am already so jaded by the Jamaican people that it is exhausting coming out of my house, so it is jsut added stress hormones that are pouring into my body and random intervals. Being sick more than I am well is also difficult. Even though I may not like myself in some ways here, I have also been able to identify many things about myself that have changed. I am more insecure because I am more emotional, but I am also more confident in my own skin and who I am becoming as a human being on this earth. I am more standoffish to most Jamaicans, but I can also be compassionate and kind to those who have disarmed me. I fight the need to work all the time, everyday, which causes me stress and anxiety, but am not able to reconcile my actions as a volunteer and the importance of my mental health. As for the men situation/relationships...I have no words, except the emotional cocktail that is my life, my face, my smile, and my tears, in Jamaica are something I feel is best carried alone. I don't like feeling like what I am going through is not ok, or that I am overreacting, or that I am just some babblyboo. If I am, I am. That is ok. I am the stronger for it, and nobody should be subjected to dealing with me in this state! I am the Tamahawk Cruise Missle!

Off we go...into the bush!

I should be sleeping, considering I only got three hours of sleep last night, but I am mixed with angst and excitement for my adventure to come! This is something that has never been done before. The Wallis clan...the Glaint, and the Wam, hitting the road for 5 whole days! We are going to see parts of the island that I haven't even seen yet. We are going to brave driving on the wrong side of the road. We are going to be in the same lanes as the taxis and country buses. Man, I am so excited. And scared. I hope we don't die. I am worried I am going to fall asleep on the road when I have to be alert at all times. Yes, I have an issue with falling asleep at the wheel, so sue me. But I am not even going to be driving! My dad is. I am just worried that the second I close my eyes will be the one time I will not be able to scream, "Left side left side!!!" and that is it and we will die.

Wish us safety and good travels! Hello Kingston, Lindsay, Taylor, Jason, Molly, and Dave! Woohoo!!!

Hold onto your hats folks!

I have not blogged in a really long time and I have good reason. I have been busy! A busy little beaver. Because I have so much to report on, bare with me. I am going to have headers so you can come back if you need to!

Wedding in Port Antonio, Portland, Jamaica, West Indies
The first weekend back in town from my trip back home, I had to travel to the other side of the island to Port Antonio. It is so much prettier than Negril, and Negril is pretty gorgeous. So many mountains and trees and beaches. I was asked to be in my friend Tasheka's wedding. I read scripture. It was fun. I have never been in a wedding and I was really nervous and I read it too fast in a mic to everyone and it was just a little weird...but then I was on the program again to give a toast to the groomsmen at the reception! I didn't know any of them and had no idea what to say so I just got the mic and cracked a few jokes and wished them all well. It was a bust, but it was fine too. I was pretty excited about wearing a nice dress though. It took hours and hours to get all the way to Porti. And 6 transfers! Negril to Lucea to Montego Bay to Ocho Rios to Port Maria to Anotto Bay to Port Antonio. Holy cow dude. Talk about a sore butt. I will attach a picture for your viewing pleasure. Negril is on the westernmost side and we traveled the north coast.

Cut, stitches, ouch.
So...I have been lazy lately about my dishes, which the cockroaches love. I am not as thrilled. I am definitely going to step it up, but anyways I was putting my dishes away last Sunday and a heavy glass fell from my cupboard (not sure how this happened) and broke onto my counter top. Then, from the counter top it fell broken onto my little toe slicing it clean open! After yelling a lot and calling for help and not getting any, I hobbled over to my tub to try to rinse it and assess the bleeding. I quickly realized that it was deep enough to need stitches and the bleeding was bad enough that I needed some real help. I walked over next door to my dad's place that he rented and called out to him, while creating a nasty puddle of blood on his front steps..it was dripping....so much bleeding! So after he helped me to his bathroom he did some first aid and Sandy, my other neighbor came along. While she was administering first aid, I was on the phone calling people that would be able to take me to the hospital for stitches. It didn't really even hurt and I wasn't crying or anything but I know Peace Corps and they would have been pissed had I not called them and took the necessary precautions. So I call my friend Simon who I thought could use his boss's car to take me and he shows up in a hurry and then he administers first aid. So, three people doing first aid quickly turned my toe into something that was not half bad and I really didn't want to go into the hospital at all. Instead we bandaged it up and I went into the doctors on Monday for my two stitches. The stitches were fine, but the shot to numb my toe was worse than the whole thing! I felt like I was getting stabbed right in the bone! I will attach a photo for your viewing pleasure.

Donkey Races
Yesterday was the annual Donkey Race and Family Fun day in Negril. The even is put on by the Rotary every year and I helped out. So did 8 other PCV. It was so much fun. The donkey's were hilarious and people had so much fun! There were carnival type games, and a little Ferris wheel and bouncy castle and merry go round. There were a watermelon eating contest and beer drinking contests and face painting. Hundreds of Jamaicans and tourists showed up with lots and lots of little ones. It was so hot that I was sure I would get burned, but I put so much sunblock on that I left unscathed. I was originally supposed to race a donkey, then I got demoted to decorating the donkey, then I was supposed to be a bartender, then a face painter, and I actually ended up just being a runner and did loads of things. But I don't even care because it was so much fun! I did get to bartend towards the end of the night and it was loads of fun. I definitely want to bartend one of these days....maybe grad school? And yes, I will attach a photo for your viewing pleasure.

I guess that is actually about it out of me. I want to tell you about how a lizard on the ceiling managed to pee and poo on me, and how my attempts at Jamaican squatting leave me in quite a mess. And about the head on motorcycle collision...with another motorcycle, but I am just going to leave it at that.

Simple things are never simple.

Life here is a struggle. I know. Look how I started this blog already. What a downer...psych! It is a struggle even when it is good. You know when you get off the phone from talking to a boy and you are all giddy and have to run around the house squealing (maybe I just do this...maybe I don't?). This sort of excitement and euphoria is so intense that you cannot contain it. What about when you feel like you have just given up on life and want to just lay in your bed and try not to exist. This type of intense emotional pain is so bad that you just disappear inside yourself. Now imagine that these two extremes collide into each other and are in your head while you are trying to function in a foreign country. This might be the best way to explain my struggle. There is so much to process here. So much to understand and embrace and accept. This includes cultural issues, social issues, economic issues, and lastly, my own issues. What are my issues? Nothing too exciting. More like tedious. Trying to wrap my brain around everything I am trying to take in. Examining and choosing to reflect on my experiences, my reactions, and what I can learn. Recognizing that I need to work on my patience and expectations. Recognizing that I am way too hard on myself. So this is why it is a struggle. I choose for it to be. I am not in school anymore but I am learning so much about myself and what I am capable of. I have already been able to see so many strengths in myself that before were invisible. I have also been humbled by discovering things about myself that I also had not previously seen. So does that mean I have had a self-esteem boost or (word for opposite of boost)? I say they have canceled each other out and what is left is growth, and that aint bad. That is all I am going to say about that. This blog doubles are my journal these days so thank you for reading my therapeutic scribbles (typing really).

My dad is here! He is visiting for a whole month. There are so many things that I want to do with him, but because I am working and things here are spendy, we can do few. That is ok though. There is easily a month worth of things to do in my area so that is what we are going to do. When I first arrived here I was so full of questions and everything was so amazing, and hot, and stinky, and exciting. Now I get to see my dad go through that stuff. His first traditional Jamaican breakfast: Ackee and Saltfish, yellow yam, boiled banana, boiled dumpling, fried dumpling. His first 'smalling up' in a taxi. His first dip in the caribbean. His first rasta smoking the ganja on the street sighting. It is all very fun, and cute. I have every intention of putting him to work at the recycling center.

Let's see...anything else to report...I don't think so. I am jet lagged and not sleeping well. Went to make tea and my kitchen light is burnt out. Can't be bothered to cook in the dark. I burn myself enough in the light. My laundry is a huge issue at the moment. I am out of underwear (did I mention I was leaving tomorrow for the weekend?) and the whites I bleached got soaked when I forgot them hanging outside...again. I am worried about my spending. I don't want to go over my allowance again, I can't afford it. I am officially a wuss and now have hot water showers every day. I now have three scars from my recent tummy burns (see blog from a couple weeks back). Enough random information? I think so.

Likl more.

Holy hell! I almost forgot! I planted a garden on my roof. All that is growing is the abundance of lettuce varieties, but still....awesome! Oh, and swiss chard, and zuchinni. Sweet. See pics.

Me planting on my rooftop

Two weeks later!!!

I'm back on the rock!

On our way to hiking in the Gorge

I haven't posted for a while. First, I have been in an emotional lull just trying to sort out why I am here, what I am going to accomplish, losing hope in the Jamaican way of life, etc...blah blah blah. Then, I went to Oregon for an amazing 12 day trip that I am still recovering from. Then, I got back and am getting into the swing of things.

I have recently been told that my blog is like an emotional roller-coaster. When you read them in a row they are up and down and up and down. When I was told this I thought about it for a second and was like, 'Yup, pretty much." That is what it is like here though. I am not just waking up and going to work and going home. It is more complicated because not only am I in a place that is totally foreign, but I am dealing with a lot of new world views, perspectives, work ethic, cultural behaviors-thoughts-attitudes, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world and am on the right track and sometimes I don't know what the hell I am doing. Well, most of the time I don't know what the hell I am doing, but that is part of the trip. Learning to process all this and deal with the emotional strife is part of the experience and I am growing a ton. I think that if my emotional growth could be measured by my height, I would be at least a foot taller! So there. Yes, I am a basketcase here, but a basketcase on an amazing adventure that this blog cannot begin to describe.

Plus, I could easily write everyday a little note about how I am doing and what I did, but I am sure that would get old pretty fast. I usually wait until I have a little meat and then spill...which usually results in a hugely long blog that I can't even read in its entirety. So, I am going to try to keep it short and sweet, but more often. We will see how it goes.

My trip to Oregon was both wonderful and full of reflection and hard truths. It only took about ten minutes from the time I walked off the plane to when I was driving on the freeway past the strip mall of Ikea, Best Buy, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc that I felt good about being in Jamaica. When I left I was really stressed out and worried that I would go and not want to come back. I am glad that didn't happen. I worry for us Americans and how we live and I really did feel a little discust seeing so many huge stores, parking lots, and cars. Overall, going home, I feel very blessed. I got to catch up and spend time with a lot of people that mean the world to me. Some of them have helped shape me into who I am today and others play a part in who I will be tomorrow. I got to drink some of my favorite beers. I got to go hiking in the gorge. I got to play with animals on the farm. I got to smile and laugh and rest and nap by the woodstove, maybe my favorite place on earth.

Farm in Amity, Oregon. My home.

Oh, and I got attacked by a Bunny. Yes, a bunny. My friend Kyle was so excited for me to meet his pet bunny. His potty trained, jump in your lap and kiss you friendly bunny. Well, I liked this bunny up until it jumped up, grunted/growled, and bit me mid-calf. The damn thing broke the skin! Who knew! It was hilarious. I never thought I would be attacked by a bunny. I have now been bitten by dogs, cats, horses, goats, pigs, rheas (prehistoric bird like an ostrich), big talking birds, and a bunny! I feel like I am leaving something out. I guess I get bit by people on occasion as well...

Bunny I hate you. ( But you are cute)

A few days before I left for the states, my friend Grace told me she was leaving Jamaica to go bac to Michigan. Although it saddens me that she is not on island, she made the right choice, and I would have done the same. I miss you Grace.

Now I am back and have sooo much to do. I feel like I have recharged my batteries and am ready to face Jamaica with a new found mind-set. I was letting myself get really stressed out to the point of being physically sick all the time and I refuse to do that. I can only do what I can do! As much as I'd like to, I can't save the world. And in two years, there is not much I can do except for make small triumphs and hope that I can make a positive impact that will last beyond my departure.

It is Monday night, I got back on Saturday afternoon. My dad is coming to visit on Wednesday! He is staying for a month. I found him a place to stay...next door so he will have his own place and I will have mine. So far, we are going to go to Port Antonio for a wedding, and into Kingston for some Dr. appts I have. Hopefully while we are there we can do the Blue Mountain Hike. There is so much I want to do with him and know I can't that it is nearly heartbreaking. I will just have to save what we miss for next trip. There is going to be lots of scrabble, dinners, sunsets on the beach, and snorkeling. Plenty in Negril to keep us busy and two weekend we will be gone.

I don't think I have anything else to report really except for that I am back on island and ready for what lies ahead. Hopefully the next blog will look much the same.

I love sorrel, so do ants.

Today I wanted a treat and I was sooo thirsty so I went into the Hi/Lo and bought a large jug of sorrel juice. It is delicious and I am sad we don't have it in the states. I have had a few glasses throughout the evening and my last one was poured without enough attention. Apparently the glass had sat long enough to attract some mini ants and I filled it back up and began drinking before realizing that I was guzzling down creepy crawlers. I only noticed when the tickle in my throat felt unnatural and then gazed down to my glass to see several floaties. Had that happened when I first got here I would have flipped out. Now, it is barely blog worthy. I am only mentioning it because the only thing that really bothers me is that it didn't really bother me.

What is more important though is the sorrel aspect of this story. It has to be one of the best things I have been introduced to since coming here. It is a beautiful red flower and when you boil it it turns into this dark red juice. Add a little sugar and a little ginger and you have the best thing to touch your tongue since Andes Mints! I guess I satiated two cravings today. My sorrel and my fried dumpling! Jamaicans eat a lot of carbs and a lot of fried foods. The one really bad for me staple here that is served with many meals is the festival, or fried dumplings. They are basically biscuits that are super delicious and dangerously bad for you. I also cooked and prepared a delicious dinner (chicken lentil veggie stew with rice) only to eat peanut butter and jelly in a bowl. Sometimes you just have to go back to the basics. Plus, now I have lunch for tomorrow.

I am realizing that I am letting my life here stress me out. I am allowing my challenges to overcome me and affect my mood and behavior. I am looking forward to going home to the states and stepping away from here for a bit to get some perspective. I need to get positive again and appreciate all the opportunity I have to do something here. I have felt a bit in a funk as of late and I am not into it. It is not my thing. I need to get back to being the bubbly Tami I am at heart.

Ice pick in your butt. By Ice Pick, Co-written by Knuckles

As Grace and I were sitting at Easy Rock Cafe, enjoying our Blue Mountain coffee (my first cup for over a month and it was oh so good) we decided after seeing Rambo, an expat diver, that we also needed a pretty sweet bad ass name. Although we aren't built like Mr. T and don't have the bling, or the tattoos, we are still two intimidating mo foes. Grace said her name would have to be knuckles, brass knuckles even. This didn't work at all. Knuckles it is then. And since I am sharp as a tack, or possibly just tacky...my name is ice pick. For some reason, we started talking about prison and how you can have knuckles in prison but not an ice pick. This is totally false I say. People smuggle in ice picks all the time! How says Grace aka Knuckles? In the butt! Duh...totally a no brainer.

You may have already realized that this blog consists of zero substance. This is ok. Sometimes you just need to sit around and think of totally sweet names.

Yesterday I was sick in bed all day. So boring, can't handle it. I decided to make one of my staples. Bean and cheese burritos. Since there aren't really any burrito tortillas, it is more like bean and cheese soft tacos. So yesterday afternoon before Grace's arrival, I took a can of black beans from my bean pyramid, and got my onion chopped and my taco sauce ready. Everything is in place. Even the mountain of cheese was grated. As I poured in my oil I got more excited...closer to the end goal. As I poured in my onions, the oil splashed on me and I screamed while doing a little dance. I am pretty sure I swore a lot too. Oh, I left out that I wasn't actually fully clothed. So, I am now burned with fear of scarring, but you better believe that they were damn good burritos.

For dinner Grace and I made cake. Not just any cake. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting. It was amazing. So we spent the evening watching Stick It and eating cake. Then talking, then passing out.

Today we are going to do yoga. I illegally downloaded a yoga video for my viewing pleasure. Then we are going to finish my gardening project when we figure out where I can get some soil (this island is covered in rock and coral). This must be the most boring blog ever so I am going to stop. I was just really excited about our nicknames.

For your viewing pleasure, I give you my burns, and Grace trying to sleep in my chair where she thought the mosquitoes would stop biting her (weird logic).