Christmas in Jamaica...and other things

I have spent my Christmases since I can remember either in Oregon, or California. In the last 4 years however, I have spent Christmas in Thailand, Costa Rica, Portland, and now Jamaica. I have found an interesting pattern in my overseas vacations. The pattern is McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Burger King. I remember exactly what I ate. Double Cheeseburger meal at Mickey D's, bean and cheese burrito and cheesy gordita crunch at Taco Bell, and a vanilla milkshake at Burger King. I can only imagine what next Christmas will hold for me and my fast food. Each have a story, but I don't feel like telling them.

I actually had a wonderful Christmas. Nothing Christmasy at all, it was great. Sandy made me crepes for breakfast, then I went and spent a few hours on the beach with some volunteers, then dinner at Brian and Yvonne's. It was really laid back and relaxed. Oh! And then I went to Bill's, and expat friend and had a second dinner at his place and it was packed with the whole expat clan. My second dinner was actually just some sorrel juice and two bites of Simon's mashed potatoes, but still. So now Christmas is done and over with and tomorrow is New Years Eve.

I leave in the morning for Falmouth, about twenty minutes east of Montego Bay. Me, along with about 15 volunteers are renting out a huge house on the beach for a party. It is going to be sooo much fun. I am going to be sober sober sober, but I will get lots of pics and lots of laughs. I am wondering if we will continue our pattern of skinny dipping...it would be the third time. For the third time, I will also be the only sober one. Good times. I am really excited to see everyone. I wonder if we will do the countdown and the kisses at midnight...I could do with a little tradition. Champagne would be nice too...I'll treat myself to a glass I suppose...

I didn't mention in my last post, but my results from Kingston showed that I have an ulcer. That being said, I have been taking special care to eat things that are bland and boring for the sake of the whole in my stomach. It is healing, and not as bad at all, but I got a lengthy call from the nurse at Peace Corps who told me that ulcers, once you get one, come back really easily so I am being very careful. That being said, I am tired of being sick. Oh yeah, and I am getting a cold. I am really tired of feeling icky. Ok, that is enough complaining out of me. Just had to say it.

Other than that, things are good over here. The road at the Recycling Center got fixed yesterday after Tropical Storm Gustav washed it away in August. Four months out of business makes us very excited that it is fixed. It is about damn time! Things are moving along at work, but there is so much to do and it takes so long to get anything done that there are 30 balls rolling at once and I can't keep them all straight. I am not actually very happy at the Chamber. I am not unhappy I suppose. I am just getting wind of all the politics involved in every decision that is made and it isn't benefiting the community as it could. I feel like they claim to be a benefit to the community, but all the members are business owners who are really only looking out for their best interest. It is really frustrating. This means that no one is really interested in what my supervisor and I are doing unless it means that it is benefiting them in some way. So when we need to get approval for stuff people just don't answer. But oh well.

I am not sure if this is possible or makes any sense at all, but being here, I feel more together and sure of myself. I feel like I am learning and growing and becoming older and wiser. At the same time, I feel like I have never been so clueless and scattered about how I feel, what I want, and how to do anything. Because of this, I am experiencing highs and lows that I feel unfamiliar with. I think I experienced them at home too, everyone has good days and bad days, but when they happen here, especially the bad days, I feel so isolated and alone.

Today was actually a bad day. I was mad mad mad. Frustrated and fed up. I left work at like 3:30 because I was on the brink of tears and told myself I was going to work from home. This actually looked like me in the fetal position in my bed wishing I could just go to sleep and lose the lost feeling. But I called and talked to my pops and felt better. Thanks pops. My emotions get to a point where they are manageable and then at some point they spill over and there is not stopping them. But enough of this as well. This is just a bad day. Most of my days are amazing and full of adventure!

I'm a little mermaid, and I am not impressed with Dr. Gyno

So...one of the organizations I am collaborating with is the Negril Coral Reef Preservation Society or NCRPS. When they have funding, and no organizations really have any funding right now, they do about 18 dives per month for coral reef monitoring. I spoke with the head ranger and he said that I could go sometimes if I got dive certified. So...thanks pops, I got dive certified! So I am excited about helping the rangers, but I am obsessed with diving. I had to go on two dives to get certified and I was 40 underwater! It is such an amazing feeling. Not the being underwater part with the tube in my mouth or the tank and weight belt strapped to my back. The amazing feeling was being so far under our world that I saw that a whole different world exists! I don't even know how to explain it. When you are snorkeling, you get a glimpse, but this is so different. I can't wait to go again. I saw so many different kinds of coral and fish and they were all just doing there thing. Just living and surviving. Just amazing! Hopefully I will get to dive again soon.

I had to go to Kingston last week for some appointments. Three, with three different doctors. I wll spare you the story of me watching a vampire moving and then being totally freaked out in my shady not safe really cheap hotel room the Peace Corps put me up in and jump straight into the interesting part, my vagina. Yes, I had to get my pelvic exam. Usually, in the states, these happen pretty quick. Like 20 minutes or so. You ladies know the routine. The doctor warms the speculum, puts on the KY tells you they are doing to insert in and you will feel some discomfort. Well, aparently not in Jamaica. In Jamaica, things are different. I was too shocked to mumble my mantra...TIJ TIJ TIJ. Instead, after the doctor arrived 45 minutes late she rushed me through so fast I was in and out in about 3 minutes. Hurry come now she says. Take off your clothes and spread your legs she says. Is the rhinovirus prevalent in rural Jamaica she says...not to me this time but to the nurse studying in the chair next to the bed. I take off my pants with them as witness. I spread my legs. She puts cold water on the cold metal duck bill and crams it up in a not so careful way. She takes the really unnaturally long q-tip in sticks it up my vag. She scrapes it around and pulls it out. There is blood she says. Surface bleeding. Could this be from you stabbing my cervix with a q-tip like a wicked wench I want to say, but don't. She says I am done and goes about her business, which is quizzing the nurse. Good job she says, not to me. And while I am still spread on the table the Peace Corps nurse calls me. I answer. I am late for my next appointment. She is outside in the car waiting. I rush and dress faster than I have ever dressed, with an audience...oh and this after the doctor hands me a roll of toilet paper to clean up my mess. I wipe, with an audience, I dress with an audience and I am out the door and off to my barium swallow. It took me longer to type this than it took to have my vag stabbed.

They thought I had a hiatal hernia so I had to get a barium swallow. This was fast as well and an entirely different yet Jamaican experiment. They ask me to walk into a changing room resembling a room you would find in a Target. I put on an xl gown with tacky flowers on it. The arm holes were so big that my boobs fell out the side. I walk to the big xray room holding my gown in place. I had to drink this really fizzy tonic that tasted like bitters poured into alka seltzer. Don't burp says the technician. I can't help it. I stand there and belch and giggle because I can't help it. I am making faces. This is not pleasant or comfortable. Then comes the barium. It is flavored like something to make it more pleasant, but I felt like I was guzzling white vomit. Gross. They take xrays in a weird machine. I have to flop and spin while they were looking and my boobs were flopping in and out of my gown. I give up. Let them flop. Fuck it. I don't have a hernia they say. Just severe acid reflux. This is both good and bad news. Good news I don't need surgery. Bad news, I have to deal with acid reflux that my medication isn't helping.

After this, I go and get Burger King, eat it in a rush at the Peace Corps office, and before I leave for my 5 hour trip home I am blasted with my barium screaming to come out. And scream it did. And splash it did. And gross.

And now I am off to work.

Mo money, mo problems

My blogs are dwindling. It isn't that I don't have much to say, but rather that I have had outlets recently to share them with so they aren't as pressing to squeeze them out here. Plus, I kind of look like an ass when all my blogs contradict themselves. This life can be an emotional roller coaster and I feel like I go up and down and back and forth, sometimes all in the same day. I'll feel like I have it all figured out, and then I will be asking what the hell I am doing.

Tonight I am asking what the hell I am doing, but only becuase there is so much going on. We got a grant that required co-funding so on top of trying to collaborate and communicate with three organizations simultaneously, we are also putting together and doing the prep work for this project, and at the same time, trying to find the most appropriate grant to apply to for our co-funding. The project is called, "Boosting Biodiversity in Negril's Coral Reefs through Community Recycling and Environmental Education." I wrote like 97.5% of it and am very excited that my first real grant was funded! It is a huge deal in my little head...professional development wise. It is funded by the United Nations Development Program. Tomorrow is Monday and I have two meetings, both meetings with people that are late. Late in Jamaica doesn't even mean like 20 minutes. It is measured more by the hour. We will see what tomorrow brings. I have decided my new outlet for dealing with it will be writing haikus. I haven't tried this yet, but I might come up with some good stuff tomorrow. I am also working on an integrated public awareness campaign, a web page, and several documents that need revision before we start carrying out our project. I am spending waaaay too much time in the office lately, which is difficult because it is really uncomfortable in their chairs, but I know that once we start moving, I am going to be doing tons of meetings with area schools, businesses, and hotels. Not to mention workshops and training with community members.
My Office (just kidding...just mixing work with my tan one afternoon. I really was working!)

More to touch on later (more for me than for you):
Barium Swallow and belchy tonic
Jamaican gyn exam
Dive Certification
Hopes and dreams

Thanksgiving in Jamaica

Last weekend was our Thanksgiving. Not Thursday. Saturday. It was wonderful. Over twenty volunteers made it to Negril to celebrate. I will admit though that my favorite guest was my very best friend Cecilia. Cecilia is officially my first visitor and I have asked her to write a blog that I can share with you that outlines her experiences here. It was a bit nerve racking having her here. I am used to almost dying on a regular basis, but I was always worried she was going to get hit by a car, or chopped, and the prey of a sexual predator. Luckily the only real attack she got from me when I screamed at the top of my lungs at Bourbon Beach when a Swiss gentleman asked us to dance. Damn Swiss. Who needs their good looks and their cheese anyways. I watched her sweat while I was cold, I noticed how she interacted with the locals. I listened to her comments when we tried to sleep to the crickets/lizards/geckos. Having her here was amazing but also different. I watched her experience Jamaica, and I shared the sunsets and the beautiful beaches and the children running along in their school uniforms.

One thing that her visit did was help me realize how thankful I am. I am thankful she is in my life. Thankful that she reminds me we are all human. Thankful I can share my life with her and others and have it still be mine. Life here is hard every single day for a plethora of reasons. It is also easy. I was thinking that I am so happy and ok with life becuase I know it is supposed to be hard. If I didn't think it was supposed to be a struggle, I would struggle.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about how I was in love with myself and discovering myself and watching myself experiencing all of my daily trials and tribulations. I wrote of how comfortable I am in my skin and how I feel confident in myself. I need to make an addendum. It was all bullshit. Well, not really. I was writing about how I felt in that moment. That whole week I think I was dancing on air because the world felt right. I am not dancing on air right now. I am not unhappy, but not dancing either. I tried to dance today, couldn't even get to phase one of the hipster leg shake. It is because I am not supposed to be dancing on air everyday. Today, instead, with the power out and no way to do my work, I went up to my favorite boutique hotel to use their generator powered electricity to do my work. I did a lot of work. I did good work. I designed an organized public awareness campaign. While doing this, I kept looking out at the ocean, the waves crashing up against the cliff, and had to take a break. Many breaks. I was distracted. My mind was trying to do work and digest life at the same time. I wish I could explain what I mean. Nothing in particular, but just feelings. Not even thoughts. It is like my feelings were competing against each other. So many emotions in a place that is so full of beauty and ugliness. I think I was trying to come to terms with some emotions that were conflicting. Conflicting ideas of what is right and what is wrong. What is ok, and what is not ok. I was also angry for doing everything I am not supposed to do for my increasingly severe acid reflux.

It is crazy I am in another country but I can look up at the same moon and the same stars. I think there might be one difference though. I can't find the big dipper. I can see the little dipper, but the big dipper is missing from the sky. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that really makes me feel disconnected from home. I can walk into a store and buy a snickers bar, and if I really wanted to I could track down a television and watch the Office, but no matter how hard I try, the big dipper is gone. It is somewhere else. Somewhere I am not. When I come home, I am going to find it and feel right with the world again.

Thank you to everyone who came down for Thanksgiving. I felt loved. I feel thankful.

I am tired of being a female in a sexually aggressive culture.

I think I have learned my lesson. It happens every time. Every. Single. Time. Back story...

Living in Jamaica is difficult. Living in Negril is especially difficult. The cultural differences are big. really big. (Side note:power just went out for second time in two days. Thank you charged iPOD and laptop) People talk about different things here. They dress different. They act different. Not necessarily bad, although some of it is bad, just different. For instance...simple cultural difference:

If you give a Jamaican your phone number, male or female, they will call you over and over again. They will leave messages, or not, but they will call over and over and over again. I first learned this lesson after meeting a girl named Jodi. She was nice. I wanted to make a girl-friend. I thought she might be able to show me things I couldn't do by myself or with a dude. This was bad. I told her I had friends in town and that I could do something the next week. She called that night. Several times. Then, she called me at 6am the next morning. Really. Then she proceeded to call me AT LEAST ten times a day for a couple of weeks. I answered sometimes to tell her I couldn't hang out. I kinda...lost interest pretty fast.

Then, I met a really nice guy I thought I might make friends with. I am trying to integrate...develop a community. I need to make friends who will introduce me to Jamaicans and teach me stuff right? Wrong, that is not what I need at all. I need their Jamaican steel. I need their baby. I need them to lick me. No. No. No. Ok, I get it. Don't give your number out. Bad idea.

Get this, the weekend before last I go to my friends place in Santa Cruz and this nice older man was sitting next to me. He was talking to me about politics, religion, farming, etc. It was really nice. The bus was loud. I was texting my bff Cecilia all the sweet late eighties, early nineties love ballads that were blasting, while carrying on this conversation. I was also trying to position my head so that I was not breathing my rank ass breath directly in his face (you know when it gets really bad and you know it is really bad but you can't do anything about it?) and we just chatted for like an hour. At the end of the ride it was late and Santa Cruz isn't one of the safer towns and he offered to take me where I was meeting Grace. Then he gives me a 3 tangerines, 2 oranges, and 1 custard apple. Produce is expensive, so this was sweet. He asked for my number so he could check on me now and again. I said sure and thought it was genuine and sweet. It was. However, his 24 year old son has been calling me daily no less than twice a day now for the last week and a half.

Don't give out your number!!! But it is hard because I have turned into a total hermit and I get invited out all the time and I almost always say no. I have reached a social exhaustion where I just don't have it in me. I know what the issue is. The people that invite me out...men. All of them. I only have one Jamaican female friend and she is wonderful, but also wonderfully quiet and shy and doesn't go out. So I have the owner of this bar, the manager of this hotel, the taxi guy that got my number etc calling me and I don't want to deal with any of it. I want numbers so I can call people when I feel like going out. There is this one guy I just met and he is really cool. I am going to try to hang out with him, but once again, can we be friends or does he just know the American approach? Ugh....man.

And this is hard to because I need to be culturally sensitive and sometimes I can walk down the street and try to understand. I try to understand the culture and the history. It isn't always easy though when I am trying to walk down the street and I am being yelled out to every five feet. Sometimes it just feels dirts and gross. Today was a dirty and gross day.

I am concerned I am not going to be able to integrate into the community here like many volunteers can. White people are everywhere. I am no one special. I am white and rich. I am resented. I am hated by some even. The racism I have experienced has been intense. I have never feared for my physical safety, but the blind hate is really disenchanting. If I had more money, I wouldn't spend it doing the touristy stuff that is around, I would use it to hang out in the beauty shop. I would get my hair done, my nails done, a facial, I don't know. That is where the ladies hang out. I want to know what it is really like here, but the cultural barriers blow my mind.

This culture is so incredibly sexual. More than anything else I have experienced. They are aggressive too. Guys will just grab your hand or arm and pull you into them on the street. Being able to diffuse a situation without either me or the ass loosing face is one of my new skills. What I really want to say is, "Are you really so desparate for attention that you feel the need to say something that a 12 year old would say, while grabbing your crotch? Really? Does that work? Ever? Because it is ridiculous." Instead, I dismiss them in the same way the ladies do. I close my eyes and turn my head while lifting my eyebrows (major attitude in the brow lift) and then open my eyes again. It basically means, you are not worth my time.

Tomorrow I leave for Ocho Rios for the Peace Corps Early Service Conference. I am excited to see everyone. I am not excited for the meetings that usually end up being a waste of time. I am leaving a day early because otherwise I would have to get up at like 5am to go on Wednesday morning. That is not happening. My friend is getting a room at the hotel the conference is in so I am going to crash with him. Should be grueling, but there are perks...

What a trip this life thing is...

Me and a student. Tour at the Recycling Center.

Something is happening to me here. This lifestyle is changing me. I am changing. It isn't bad. Sometimes it feels bad, but it is helping me transform into the person I know I can be. When you are in a social circle, or many, it is easy to get sucked in. It is fun and comfortable. I did that in Portland. I got cozy in my life and had no reason to pull away from it. But I am here now, and I am realizing that I am still me, but something has changed that brings a smile to my face. My self-worth, or confidence, or self-esteem or something has blossomed...and it isn't done yet. I know I am not explaining myself well right now, but I feel more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever have in my life. I have always been pretty good at standing up for myself. There is this saying that goes something along the lines of, "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." and I have had to have several confrontations with some very intimidating people (Jamaicans can be very verbally aggressive), and I was calm, when usually I would be trembling. I would do it, but I would have a little nervous tremor. Not lately. Lately it is soooo gone. It might not be gone forever, but I have been firm, and honest with people and it has been well received and has felt really good! I had to sit my supervisor down and have a chat with him because he has been flaking on me. I had to tell the manager of the office that I refused to do a task that he was almost yelling at me to do. I had to send an email to two very prominent people on the Chamber board and stand my ground on issues. I feel like I am earning respect in this community and it feels so good.

There are other things I wish I felt more comfortable with. Like what I am truly supposed to be doing. I just finished reading Three Cups of Tea, which is amazing...read it. One thing I am learning as I age are my limitations. My life goal used to be winning the Nobel Peace Prize, not for the money, or the notoriety, but because that would mean that I have spent my life making a difference. I realize that there are certain people who can do those sorts of things and those who cannot. My personality means that I lean towards certain things. I don't have it in me to do the things that Mr. Mortensen can do. That doesn't mean that I am not going to spend my life trying to make a difference, just that I don't have a fire that burns as bright as his.

I am realizing many things being in the Peace Corps. First, I am not sure I agree with the Peace Corps. The style of developmental aid (PCV) is inefficient and creates more dependence on aid. I also think that we act as PR for the United States. We are little seeds in communities around the world acting like a poster child for the USA so that people like us. I guess that is the "Peace Corps," but the people who join really want to make a difference, but that is difficult to impossible when we are under trained, and not given any resources. Many of us are fresh out of college and have never had a real job. What that means is that volunteers are left to make something out of nothing and it is an adventure, and a challenge. It is truly amazing and is why I am growing so much, but how does that help the Jamaican people? By the end of service, a PCV costs the US Govt. between $80-100,000. We have between 80-100 volunteers in Jamaica alone. That is $10,000,000. If we set up educational programs to teach Jamaican's what they needed to know to take care of themselves, they would be able to make their own change, which comes with a lot more pride, than asking for handouts year after year. There are plenty of Jamaicans here that are educated, but can't find work. Engineers that can't engineer because the job doesn't exist so they drive a taxi instead. All the businesses work the same and it is unorganized and sloppy. Adults need training. In everything, but I see a lot of good in business education, management, accounting, waste management, IT, and community development. Or, if the Peace Corps would send someone into an organization to scope it out, figure out the needs, and training required, and then take care of those things, we would really be working ourselves out of a job. After 4+ months, I know what my site needs. Business development. The Chamber of Commerce needs to know how to manage. They need to know about marketing, public relations, management, organization. The place is a mess. At the Recycling Center, where I am stationed mostly, we need money to do anything, but we also need my supe to know project management, time management, money management. He needs things I cannot teach him. I am working on him though, keeping him on his toes.

I am happy here. There are so many things that make this place so hard, but like I said, these are good things. I am saying that I don't believe in the Peace Corps, and yet I am here representing the Peace Corps. It makes me wonder on a daily basis if I am here more for selfish reasons. I have told myself that if I am here more for me than for the people of Jamaica than I need to leave, but I don't think I can. I am here for the people of Jamaica, but not in the capacity that will result in the best outcome for them. I am still figuring out what I do and do not agree with about all this stuff. I have to remember that the first two goals are about cultural exchange, and the third is about capacity building and skills transfer. It is all quite a dilemma figuring this out in my mind. But I am not going anywhere. I can't. I have ideas. I am motivated to keep doing what I am doing. I am learning about international development that might guide my career choices in the future. But it is true. I think being here, choosing the Peace Corps, was more selfish than selfless. I am learning how to make that ok in my head. It makes my stomach turn here and there, but that doesn't take much.

What a trip this life thing is.


I have some more things to add to my list of clever discoveries:

1.) Buying really cheap neon pink lotion called Supreme Extreme hand and body lotion, instead of imported gillette for shaving cream saves you loads of money. It is such a good investment I am not even ashamed that I have it where people can see it.
2.) Buying really cheap antibacterial body wash and diluting it half way and putting it in your hand wash container is like 3x cheaper than buying actual hand soap.
3.) I really love smoothies in the morning! They aren't even expensive. Just water, plain yogurt, a banana, and powdered soy milk. I plan to experiment with this more. When it is mango season I am going to be in heaven.
4.) Scotch Bonnet makes everything taste better.


Things still to learn (and any PCVJ out there want to help me out with this, feel free),

1.) Keeping my clothes from molding. I have started hanging up most of them to get more air. I think I need to switch laundry detergent, but they are all so expensive.
2.) How to be a woman in Jamaica. It is not easy.

Random stuff, life rocks, baths in Jamaica suck

So many things I don't blog about. There are lots of things I don't tell anyone about. They are just for me. Experiences that are so profound that it is amazing just thinking about it. No way to explain how something clicks, or makes sense, or you see something that puts so many things in perspective all at once. It is like a eureka moment on steroids. I dig it. There are things I do and will share.

Starting with my failed attempt at a hot bath. Why on earth would someone want to take a hot bath in Jamaica? I am not even sure. I wanted to feel the water on my skin. I wanted the candlelight and the music (Antony and the Johnsons). Well, first of all, I had to switch on my hot water heater. I have been taking all cold showers, this is only the second time I have used it since being here. While that was heating, I went to scrub the mold out of my shower (everything molds here!). Then I lit my candle that is wedged strategically inside an Appleton Rum jar, then I placed my fan in the doorway so I wouldn't get too hot. Then I start filling the tub. Now, the water was hot but to speed things along, and in case it wasn't hot enough, I put not one, but two pots of water on to boil. I go to check my progress in the tub and the water is getting cooler so I know the water boiling was a good idea. However, my damn candle went out. I realized that the fan was blowing out my candle. I rearranged the fan, lit the candle, and the candle went out. This repeated several times until I realized that if a fan is placed anywhere in the bathroom, the light is going to go out. Fine. My water is ready, I pour it in. I get into the bath now worried I am going to be super hot since I no longer have the fan. Wrong, somehow, the water was actually cold. I got in my bath and I was cold. I wish I could say that at least it felt nice, but it didn't. I wasn't hot to begin with so I was uber cold, then the back of the tub wasn't angled at all so I wound up really uncomfortable in a cold bath. And that is the end of that story.

I also want to mention some things I am learning through experience:

1.) Don't buy a machete unless you know how to use one and what you are going to use it for (at least it looks super cool next to my door)
2.) You can make planters by cutting plastic bottles in two and poking holes in them.
3.) Your clothes will mildew and mold faster in the dresser, put them in the closet.
4.) Don't make eye contact with men, it means in weird Jamaican language that I want to have sex with them.
5.) Sometimes when you are at the hardware store and standing in a semi-non-existent line and people keep moving in front of you (for 30 min), the only thing you can do is walk to the desk and yell, "Can someone please serve me?!"
6.) Roofs in Jamaica also serve as patios, laundry lines, and gardens. I just doubled the size of my place.
7.) Even though it is more hand washing to do, go through 2 pairs of underwear a day instead of suffering with one. I can only feel moist and sweaty for so long.
8.) Don't ever give your number to people you don't actually want to call you.
9.) Don't allow yourself to fantasize too much about being in your favorite coffee shop, drinking coffee and looking out the window at all the doug firs and the rain and talking to someone you want to see badly. It only makes you sad.
10.) Don't put egg shells in the compost pile. Lucky the dog drags them out.

I'm so tired. I want to badly to write about my experience in the hardware store where I got nicknamed 'Obama', or the taxi driver that gave me a free ride, or the breadfruit and june plum trees I climbed, or the really intimidating appearance as a guest speaker that I kicked ass at. Instead, I will leave you all with my love. This is amazing. When I have time to give the rant, I will, but now, I just love. I love what is and what can be. I love the pain and challenge and discomfort I am in and I love the learning and growing it is forcing me to do. I love my friends, my long lost friends, and my really long lost friends. I love my dad and brother. I love that I am alive and can see and breath and think and talk everyday and share this life will all of you.

Love.

Was is something I said, did, didn't do?

Probably. Well, yes. I spent the weekend in Santa Cruz with my darling friend Grace and was a little unhappy when I got home and had to deal with moldy clothes in my closet, moldy sheets, and moldy chair cover (which is actually also a sheet). Because it is always so moist, it is impossible to keep things dry (that's what she said) no matter how are I try. So, I spent the afternoon after a ridiculous half day of traveling doing laundry. Three loads, and I have another soaking in my bathtub. I was trying to get the sheet off my ottoman and I lifted it up and dropped it on my middle toe, which is now purple and hurts like a sonofabitch.

All in all, I feel like Jamaica and I are not good friends. However, I have myself pretty psyched up to have a good week so I will have to see how that goes.

That's all I got today. I am tired.

My pledge to Obama

President Obama,

To you I pledge:

- to support you as president, even in the face of scrutiny
- to question your choices and keep myself informed as to the happenings of the world
- to remain hopeful and positive even if I want to throw my hands in the air and give up
- to do more than I have done and am doing to be a part of the change I want to see in the world
- to be the best person I can be, recognize my faults, and understand my role in this world

I have never felt more hope and pride as an American as I do right now. We have chosen this man to lead us into a better world. He can't do it alone. We have to help. It is up to all of us to pull our heads out of our ass, step out of our bubble, and work together to make the world better for everyone. There is good in everyone, we need to synergize that shit!

I am really hopeful, but I believe and have faith that we are going to see things change. I am going to continue to work for this change.

Peace out.

Tami

Do these Jamaican's make me look fat?

Here is a cultural lesson for you.

America: Wow, Tami, you are getting fat.
Me: You are an asshole.

Jamaica: You are looking fatter than you were.
Me: Thanks, that is so nice of you to say. (Although in my head it doesn't go that way.)

In the states, you tell people that they have lost weight to compliment them. In America you want to be thin. Thin is healthy. Thin is not healthy in Jamaica. Fat is healthy. If you are skinny they call you 'magga.' Which is not complimentary.

So yes, I lost a ton of weight being sick, and yes I have been eating A LOT to catch up, but seriously, is that sooooo noticeable that 2 different people commented on it today? I still look great so I am not freaking out, but instead reveling at the cultural experience I had today. One of my co-workers said they could tell I was happy here because "You have been putting on some weight." And of course I though they said, "I can tell you are pulling your weight." So I was like, "Oh thanks, I have been working really hard." To which he replied, "No, I said you are gaining weight! You must be getting healthier." Ok, I know this is a compliment so it is fine but very shocking. Just like being told I am going to have my throat slit because someone hates white people is a little shocking to hear (yes this happened, reverse racism is an interesting thing). So tonight I was offered a free ride halfway home from someone I know from the neighborhood and that left me to walk the rest of the way. In retrospect it wasn't a good idea because I had two arms full of groceries and the back way made me walk up and down 2 significant hills, plus on the way I got my fat comment number two. Walking down my second hill and about 1/8 mile from my house there is this one area on the side of the road that these 4 nice ladies always sit and talk to passersby. I haven't seen them in awhile because I have been riding my sweet new bicycle to work so I stopped to say hello. The first thing my favorite lady says is, "Oh Tami! You are getting fat!" Come on people! This time I said something jokingly like how that is the second time someone today has told me I am getting fat. She tells me that it is the good fat and not the too fat. Also that I look good and strong and healthy. So these are compliments, but because I am accostomed to it being rude, it is an interesting transition to hear and not be like 'excuse me'! Anyways ...thought it was interesting and wanted to share.

The lizards here hop everywhere, like bunny rabbits...until they get bigger, then they just poop on your pillow.

I am bored tonight. BORED. BoReD. B_o-R_e-D. I have plenty to keep me busy too. My brain is just in a weird spot. Nothing seems to satisfy me. Not even food. I know why too. It is because I can't do what I want to do. I am stuck in my house because it isn't safe outside and I just want to go take a walk on the beach. I want to be invisible and just be alone and with my thoughts but not in a 10' by 10' box doing that. It's fine though. Just wish I hadn't drank so much coffee today...I am REALLY awake.

My new favorite thing is to buy a coconut with the stuff inside to eat. I pry it from the shell with a butter knife and eat the nut part of it. It is soooo tasty, but it gets caught in my teeth. Like popcorn kernels. I don't like it. It makes me grumpy.

I am sitting on my floor writing this right now for some reason. Not sure why. My ipod just stopped playing Come and Find me album by Josh Ritter. Just sitting here...

Lucky the dog is an idiot. That is all.

UPDATE: While sitting here I just had a baby hoppy lizard jump on my foot and scare the holy shit out of me. I am serious. Lizards everywhere. The funny part is that I came up with the title of my blog before writing it...sooo appropriate.

Small bugs, big bites, milkshakes, snorkeling, and Snoop Dog.

Bugs here suck. I have cockroaches, lizards (they can be considered a bug in this instance), two kinds of ants, and mosquitoes in my place. I can't seem to get rid of them. The only ones that hurt are the mosquitoes and black ants. The mosquitoes itch which is annoying, but the black ants are on my bed, chair, and floor. They sting...really sting! And they bite me all the time. I just got bit on my toe five minutes ago and before the sting disappeared, I got another one of my lower back. Must have gotten on me when I was sitting in the chair. Son of a bitch.

It is the end of a long long long and very awesome weekend. I am ready to go back to work, and not. It is pretty stressful and overwhelming for the little that I am doing right now. Exhaustion is exhaustion and I think it is the mix of mental exhaustion from culture (namely men wanting to 'know me better' and honking taxis), mixed with heat and physical exhaustion, and then being expected to perform at 100%. Oh, and the fact that my supervisor (who is awesome) thinks of new projects before we can get previous ones started so nothing seems to ever get done. This attitude/irritation might also be my Americanized expectation of how things are done so I am trying to stay strong, but seriously...grrr + smiley face= TIJ. (TIJ=This is Jamaica...common phrase when you have no explaination for life here.)


Ok, some recent obsessions:
Milkshakes. Mostly vanilla because the chocolate is broken at Burger King. Not that I can afford them. This has been happening on the weekends. I managed one large chocolate two weekends ago, and two medium vanillas this weekend. I currently have no money so no more milkshakes. It is mostly a treat for surviving the week. I think this is the first week I have gone without a cake of some kind. Maybe this is the replacement?

Next, snorkeling is my new favorite thing. I found the coolest new place to cliff jump and snorkel for free! Well, it is a taxi ride away, but super cool, and free if I can ride my bike up there. I have seen so many awesome things. I am not even afraid of the giant jellyfish anymore now that I know how to evade them. Plus, I have gotten stung 3 times now and survived. I think I am going to invest in a snorkel set. I am worried about the $$ but it is soooooo cool and amazing. I have seen rays, and fish, and coral, and urchins. Way cool.




This weekend, I was blessed with the presence of my bffj4e Grace, who in a tired stupor last night, graced me (pun intended) with her improve Snoop Dog jokes. I told her my fav Oregon inspired joke. It goes as follows ( I think I even heard this from my bff-DC Cecilia so props to her!):

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A: Fo drizzle!

The following are courtesy of Gracie Heart's comic genius:

Q: Why does Snoop Dog like alka-seltzer?
A: Fo fizzle!

Q: Why does Snoop Dog admire Mount Rushmore:
A: Fo chizzle!

Q: Why does Snoop Dog eat at LTU?
A: Fo schnitzel! (Not going to get it unless you have eaten the schnitzel at LTU sadly...)

AND FOR THE FINALE!!!

Q: Why does Snoop Dog hang out with Kim Jong Il?
A: Fo mizzles!!!

I AM A BADASS

Life is good. As I say often, life is hard, but so so good.

A lot can happen in a day...or a weekend even. Let me start with Thursday.

Thursday a friend comes up and we get a call from the manager of the Rockhouse. He gets me, and four other Peace Corps volunteers from the area to come and have dinner on the house. My friend Nick and I end up getting to stay in one of the rooms. It was awesome. By 3pm we were poolside being served free drinks and talking about life in the Peace Corps. I think I was a little too excited because I downed three delicious margaritas after only haven eaten yogurt for breakfast. Lets just say I didn't make it to dinner, but I heard it was awesome! The next morning was breakfast on the house served to our room, followed by a couple hours poolside and then some amazing snorkeling. We snorkeled in and out and around a ton of caves and saw some pretty cool stuff. Two high points, first high point: Seeing a manta ray that had a wingspan of a good 5-6 feet. It was totally awesome and we tried to follow it for a while but it was too fast for us. Second high point: We had to navigate through a jellyfish land mine to get back to the hotel. These aren't little cute jellyfish either. They are big fuckers! Bright and purple and the size of my head. We made it unscathed. I don't remember what was next...oh..we met Grace my bffj and we relaxed for a but at my place before heading up to Brian and Yvonnes (married PC couple in Negril) for dinner, drinks, stories, and games.

Saturday: Today...now tonight. Saturday was awesome. Relaxed, napped, ate, but two very cool things happened as well. First cool thing: Well cool, scary, exciting anyways. I got attacked by a big honking fish! I was swimming with Tom after cliff jumping and we had snorkel gear tossed down to us. We are swimming and looking around and I suddenly feel this pinch on my leg. I knew it wasn't a jellyfish because it didn't sting and burn. I look underwater and there is this damned dark yellow fish about 2 feet long and 4 inches thick with a big flat snout swimming right for me. I starts biting me all over and I am kicking and screaming and trying to punch it and missing every time. Tom doesn't know what the hell is going on so he looks under the water and sees this thing having its way with me. I finally got it to swim away and it went after Tom!!! He was able to shoo it away and it came right back for me. This wasn't a curious cute fish. This was a scary as shit fish that was on the attack. I was able to pester it away and it swam off but I didn't know if it was going to come back so I swam out of the water. But even getting out of the water was a hassle because there was no ladder. I had Andy reaching down for me and I had to take of the snorkel gear and throw it up but I didn't throw it high enough and it sank into the water. Tom had to jump in the water to fetch them. So it took a while but I finally got out of the water and not a mark on me! Unscathed...so weird. I got bit so many times. Ok, second cool thing: we all went to LTU a local bar to watch the baseball game but I lost interest in about 34 seconds and went to talk to Bill, the owner. We chatted for a while and he had asked me on another encounter to round up some volunteers to work at this Donkey Race event in February to paint faces. I said sure but after thinking about it I realized I don't want to volunteer, I want to race! So tonight I told him I want to race a donkey and he said it wasn't possible, but by the end of the night, he said I could race his donkey. He told me the Jamaican men on the donkeys were rough and tough and I said I can take em!!! That's it out of me. It is a three day weekend and it is only Saturday. Two days left...yay!

Pool, rastas playing pool and smoking ganka, and me watching the presedential debate. Sweet.

Hello! Things I want to share with you:

First, integration can be really difficult. My patience is not always there and guys especially are hard to deal with. There is a bar/car wash (I know, right) across the street from my house and I was at a loss for where to watch the debate tonight. I decided to go there alone, and at night. Two things I haven't done yet. I texted two people to tell them what I was up to as to not be totally irresponsible. I got there and I was the only girl amidst about ten men. I asked if I could watch the debate and realized I had no money to buy anything. I have talked to the owner a few times so he knew me. I called him over and told him that I knew it was totally rude to come and not buy anything but that I didn't feel safe walking to the ATM this late by myself. This is not a big fancy bar. It is a Jamaican rum bar, much like a dive bar in the states. Think Billy Rays, but open air and not as hipster. He was so nice and took my hand and said that he would like to buy me a beer and not to worry. Although this made me nervous, worried about expectations later, I still accepted as I thought he would be offended if I didn't.

So there I am, the only white person, only woman there, and the guys were just sitting around chatting, smoking ganja, playing pool, and dominoes and not one person came up and harrassed me. It was AMAZING AND UNPRECEDENTED. Yay. There is this one rasta I have talked to a few times. We yelled at the TV together it was great. It is the little things that make me so happy here. It rarely even has to do with my job. Just getting to know people is so great.

I said first, but it was also last. I am tired. And hungry. Probably not going to eat though. Three cups of tea and my elastic band here I come.

Yay me.

I had a very frustrating day at work and this was an incredible way to end it.

Ok, I am really done now.

And then there was SHIT.

Yesterday I had my first regional conference for the environment sector. It ran about 5 hours and was about 2 hours from Negril in Santa Cruz at RADA (Rural Agricultural Development Agency). Two environment volunteers live there and organized it. After not seeing them for over a month, this is how our conversation went:

Andrea: Hey how are you??!! Sorry it smells so bad in here. (very smelly inside meeting room)
Me: Hey! I'm good. I don't mind the smell at all actually. I like it. I grew up in the country and miss the smell of cow.
Andrea: Really? There aren't any cows around here. I think it is dog shit.
Me: Um, oh. Yeah.

Tami, queen of smooth. Seriously people, why?


The meeting was alright. It was actually really boring and hot. Needed, but long, boring and hot. Because it was boring, I will recap the highlights. First, I got curried goat for lunch. I LOVE curried goat. It tastes a lot like lamb. Really fatty and soft and delicious...mmm. It is too expensive to buy usually but lunch was free. Second, my supervisor fell asleep. I had to nudge him awake. Oh Obie-wan-kanobi. How I adore thee. I had a third but forgot what it was. Oh! I remember. I got seeds. A ton of them. Like 15 packets. Mind you they are expired Wal-Mart seeds that I was told by a farmer in Negril they probably won't grow well. But I want to grow a garden. I want the project. I get to get dirty, and weed, and watch things grow, and then eat them! Sadface....my back yard is literally coral. No grass, just really uncomfortable stabby rocks and that are uncomfortable when you walk on them. I scrape myself all the time exploring back there. There is space under my window that is possible for a little teeny garden, but I have to figure out how to get soil to my place...what to do...

For your laughing pleasure:
This is what happens when you still don't know how to do your laundry. I woke up early to do my handwashing, but not early enough. I woke up at 8am, should have been 6am. I had to turn my house into a laundry room. I had 5 lines strewn across my room. Ugh...one day no more stiff clothes, no more moldy clothes, no more wet clothes. Jesus.

I love how the Jamaican Patois changes spelling for everything. It is a spoken language, not written, but people write it phonetically so when you see it spelled around town...I smile. I stopped by this rasta shack selling natural soups on the side of the road (amazing soup fyi) one soup was spelled, Rice and Pumking soup. Hehe. And they like to switch around a bunch of words. Just a little Patois 101. AKA jus a likl patwa 101.

little-likl
bundle-bongl
driver-jriava
bottle-bokl

Present tense examples:

I am walking to work.--Mi a walk fi work.
I am baking cake. -- Mi a bake cake.


Past tense examples:

I went there yesterday. -- Mi did go deer yessadai.
She died last month. --Har did die las mont.

Future tense examples:

I am going to go to town. -- Mi a go fi town.
I will get married and have children. --Mi wi get married an av pikni.


**I can go on and on but there is more to say.


For instance, I have something to say about beans. I love black beans, maybe even more than chocolate. Actually, no, I don't. Maybe I can say if you combined my love for black beans and cheese together it would add up to my love for chocolate. Not the point. What I want to say is that finding black beans is almost impossible. Of course, it is my nature to want what I can't have. But alas, the Hi/Lo (3rd world Safeway) had a shipment of black beans. I didn't even care man, I cleaned them out.
I now have a months worth of black beans and it makes me very happy. I made huevos rancheros tonight for me and my neighbor Sandy. Oh my was it good. Eggs here are kind of watery so they don't cook right, the cheese isn't very good and very expensive, and I can't afford salsa because it is even more expensive so it wasn't my very best, but it was certainly my very best Jamaican huevos rancheros. Dang, and I was a cooking fool! I almost forgot to write that I also made homemade cornbread from scratch! Not only that, I made it with stone ground cornmeal, whole wheat flour, and I added an entire scotch bonnet (think hottest pepper on earth) and chunks of cheese. So dang good.

Things I want to write about but don't have time to:
Things I miss (Mexican Food)
Things I am irritated with (Jamaican men...assholes)
Things I appreciate (Friends)
Things that hurt (Constipation)
Things that are 2 weeks late (Aunt flow)

But I can't because it is 11pm and I have to find thirteen jokes to write out on 13 pieces of scratch paper. My neighbor is going to Turkey tomorrow and I try to make her laugh everyday...I want to continue this even if it is in spirit. She is also someone I could write an entire blog about. My Peace Corps Neighbor Sandy. She is amazing and makes my experience here so much better.

Anyways....

Likl more.

Donkey Tacos, Flying Cockroaches, and Jurassic Park, oh my!

Some notable notes:

Tacos are amazing. Let me repeat: Tacos are AMAZING. Soft tacos that is. It is impossible to get taco shells that aren't stale. Same goes for tortilla chips, but there is nothing to do about that but make nachos so delicious that you don't notice the stale chips, and soft tacos instead of hard shell. The only real problem is that black beans are hard to come by and cheese is expensive, and salsa is just plain too expensive to buy. This leaves Mexican food for very special occasions, or when I can't stand it anymore. I have finally gotten accustomed to pears. Pears here are known to you Americans as avocados. They are humongous and a little harder and their flavor is a little different. Back home, last summer in fact, I attributed the 10 pounds I gained to eating pears by the spoonful, but here, I can only enjoy them in something. Sandwiches...nachos...crackers with cream cheese and papaya chutney...never alone. Although I am sure you are tired of me blogging about tacos, I feel obligated to explain why I mention Donkey. I have reason to believe that my unusual ground beef (which is expensive here and has been rancid at the stores in the past) was actually quite normal donkey. Apparently, it is not unheard of to sell donkey as beef. I am not complaining. It was damn good donkey.

Next, my battle with cockroaches is intensifying. I think they are winning. It makes me sad. This last attempt at battle resulted in my failed attempt at killing a big fucker. I'm talking big...and juicy and gross. Next thing I know it is crawling up the wall in my bathroom. Keith, my PCV friend who lives in Logwood, played the hero roll and sprayed it and then smashed it and then flushed it, but my screams were so audible that the neighbors came to make sure everything was ok. Damn those cockroaches.

I have realized that I blog so much and they are so long that I actually don't ever even get through my own so I am trying to keep them shorter from now on so lastly...

Jurassic Park man, more like fe fi fo fum. Who's Jurassic now bitch! When I was little, I remember the first movies I ever saw at the theater. I believe they were in this order starting with my first ever big screen flick! 1) Lion King, 2) Home Alone, 3) Free Willy, 4) JURASSIC PARK...saw it twice even! After the movie, I started having nightmares that I was in Jurassic Park and that the dinasaurs were trying to kill me. Then I started having nightmares that they were in my life...like my house and my yard and my town and everything. This was recurring over and over for years! But now, I feel like I have the upperhand. There are more lizards here than birds. They are like pigeons or something. They are freaking everywhere and they are all shapes and sizes and colors. I have them in my house and outside and when I shower they are in my window. I can't even explain how many lizards are everywhere! They look like some of the dinos in my dreams, but now I am big and they are afraid of me! They are super curious and once one jumped on me. Oh yeah, they hop. Did you know lizards hop like bunnies becuase I sure didn't.

Like I said, I could go on...I have so much to report. But you can only read so much. Until next time...

Sex in the City, By Carrie Bradshaw…um...yeah…more like Lizards in the Jungle, By Tami Wallis

Tami in America!!!

Tami in Jamaica!!!

Sometimes sitting in a rent-controlled Manhattan apartment writing about sex and love while drinking a cosmopolitan sounds like a nice reprieve from life as a Peace Corps Volunteer. But that is not me and I am not there. Sometimes it is appealing to be back in the states with ­some disposable income, being able to go dancing at Lola’s on 80’s night, or drinking my favorite draft beer, while eating my favorite cheeseburger at my favorite brew pub in Portland.

That is not what I have chosen as my path. Instead, I am 24 and living in Jamaica for the next two years. I am a yardie, sitting on my front porch, writing about my adventures, my concerns for humanity, and my involvement in it, while drinking ice cold water to keep from dehydrating. The most freeeing part about this is that I don’t feel like I am missing out.

I chose this.

I chose to be uncomfortable for two years. I chose to see and live in another world. I chose to struggle and to feel pain and to experience the exhilaration and satisfaction of succeeding after numerous failures of living and working in a culture that operates at a different speed as the United States.

When I decided to join the Peace Corps, it didn’t matter to me where I went or what I did there. My main motivation was to serve, whatever that means. My life has experienced good and bad, pleasure and pain, opportunities in health care and education. Because I have experienced poverty, and the darkness it brings, naturally being given the chance at education and financial security has afforded me the ability to wake up everyday with a feeling of being rich with a diversity of experience and opportunities. This gratitude is what keeps a smile on my face and strength in my heart.

People talk about success. I talk about success as well, but there is a difference between success and excellence. For me, I equate success with things: money, career, a flashy new car, the newest iPhone. I want to be financially comfortable, but my personal drive is the desire to achieve excellence. I equate excellence with people, relationships, experience, and choices. It is living a life that doesn’t cause harm o others and being the best person I can be to myself and those in my life. Excellence is making choices that are hard, or having conversations that are uncomfortable. Sometimes, excellence is saying no, when you really want to say yes.

Life in Jamaica is different. When I get together with friends, our conversations cover topics that I have never had before. Questions like, “How do I deal with harassment on the street while maintaining respect for myself and being culturally sensitive?” or “How do I talk to my supervisor about frustrations without offending him/her when I am unhappy with something?” or “How do I keep lizards out of my house?”

Living in Jamaica is very different than living in the United States. It is like juggling too many balls at once. Many times, you drop a ball, but when you don’t, it feels soooo good. Every aspect of the day has to be altered to Jamaica. You wake up in the morning to humidity, heat, bugs, and suddenly your body is not comfortable. You walk down the street thinking about how the blue of the ocean never gets old, while dealing with honking taxis, people yelling at you to buy something, or because they want to yell at you, while being concerned with whether the weather will turn and your laundry that you spent an hour hand washing will fall victim to the sudden torrential downpours that unfortunately leave my clothes smelling like I washed them in mold.

Getting to work you might have no structure, slow productivity, systems of business that leave something to be desired…such as running water or electricity that goes out from time to time. Learning to adapt to all these things at once is something that challenges you to your core and takes time and patience. Juggling has never been harder.

The walk home involves everything the walk to work involved, but the new sweat is mixing with the old sweat and so suddenly on top of everything else, there may be a certain unpleasant odor that follows you home. I find myself having to work harder to smile and say good evening, when all my strength and patience were used up throughout the day. Running on reserves is dangerous. Let me correct, me running on reserves can be dangerous. Another story for another day.

At the end of the day, there is little else to do but reflect on the day, and reflect on myself. Writing this on a Sunday, I find myself preparing emotionally, mentally, and physically for the week ahead. Instead of wondering if I can buy the new Manolo Blahniks at the end of the week ($400 high heels), I am budgeting so I can enjoy some jerk chicken at my favorite jerk stand. I am reminding myself that things don’t move the same on island time, and realizing that it is way to hot to do anything but slow.

At the end of the day, when I am tired, sweaty, and quite possibly dehydrated, all I can do is smile. I am achieving success by allowing myself permission to fail. Success here comes with patience, something I fail at, but deserve and A for effort. I am also achieving excellence. I am looking inside myself, speaking to others, and contemplating how best to move forward even in the face of fear.

The highlight of my week was not finishing the first draft of a grant I am co-writing that could progress my cause as an environmental educator. My highlight was after stopping at the bike taxi stand where I receive daily harassment, and talking to them, and having them talk to me, instead of at me. Introducing myself and having a human conversation. The next day walking by them most smiled and one held out his fist and said, “Wopm.” I pounded fists and smiled and said “Maanin boys” and kept walking, but my smile remained for the whole walk to work. The other highlight was peeing in a toilet with blue water and watching it turn green. But hey, sometimes it’s the small things that keep me smiling. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh.

Such Great Heights

It blows my mind how easy music can shift your mood. I think right now I feel complacent. I didn't wake up that way. I didn't want to face the day. Not in a bad way, just tired and didn't feel like working. The thunder woke me up at 5am with the house vibrating and it felt like there were bombs going off all around me. Let's just say after that I felt a little...on edge. Once I realized I wasn't in a war zone, I enjoyed listening to the storm outside. I have always loved listening to the rain, but it sounds different here. It is heavy, like it has purpose.

Anyways...music...so I wanted something mellow to start my day. I usually go with Derby, or something equally danceable (sp?) like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers or even my 80's Night Dance Party Mix. If it is singing I want it is usually Fiona Apple of Johnny Cash for the morning. Today I wanted chill. No dancing and singing for Tami's wake up and start the day routine. I put on Iron and Wine and watched the rain and everything felt ok. Slowly, my anxiety subsided, and all the uncertainty that life brings melted away as something that mattered, but that was ok. I feel good.

I have been struggling with my first bouts of boredom this week. I have been totally content having my evenings to read and write and watch but I have been feeling...not lonely exactly, but in the mood for socialization. I can only read and write and watch so much. There is a whole slew of things I can do but the issue there is motivation. After spending much of the day in the sun my energy is zapped. Maybe I need to get in the habit of uppers and downers. Drink my upper, pop my downer. That way, I can drink coffee at 5 and stay up excited about my creative abilities and then pop some xanax to sleep at night. Yes, I will start this routine immediately. Thank god addiction doesn't run in the family or I would be in serious trouble. ;)

I haven't been smoking the ganja but last night, I found myself wishin I had some. Sweet. New idea, I am going to spend 24 hours a day on some sort of mind altering susbstance or stimulant. Life is good. What a party.

Anyways....joking aside (I hope you know I was joking) I am sitting on my bed in my cool house (thank you rain) and eating my first attempt at Peanut Porridge. It is good. Not delicious. Needs work, but I thank Jamaica for loving porridge as much as I do.

I am now going to shower, get ready to start my day, and work on this damn grant!

Until later...

Ants 7, Tami 1,200. I win.

I think the ole ands and I are having a showdown. I am currently in the lead but I don't know for how long. I spray them, step on them, and sponge them away, but they get into my food, on my bed, in my freaking clothes! Mind you these are not the biting kind thank god. I kill so many of them and I didn't start feeling bad about it until last night. I was sitting on the bench outside my house with my friend Keith and a giant red ant was walking on the pathway and minding its own business. It wasn't trying to terrorize me or my food, but I saw it and just stomped on him. Immediately I recoiled and whimpered a little. When Keith asked what was wrong all I could say was "The ant was just being an ant." And then I started thinking about all the lives I have taken. Those poor ants. I am a mass murderer. Oh well. I guess they should have thought about that before getting into my shit.

The places we go!

So a major perk of working in Negril and working with the hotels is that they invite you to come and use their facilities. This was a fun night. A pool right on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. Just what I needed. Thank you Rockhouse (google that shit).

So my high and low of the week (yes it is Monday). High: The back roads that I walk to get to walk have been beneficial because I am meeting people that don't think I am a tourist and two women I have been chatting with have invited me to come over and cook and hang out with them. This is called integration ladies and gentlemen and it is not an easy task in a tourist community. I am making progress. I am also having a BBQ with some fellow PCV on Saturday for my birthday and we are inviting a handful of Jamaicans which is also very exciting. Ok, my low: Part of my job is to increase the capacity for Jamaicans here, skills transfer and the like. One of the things I need to do is train my supervisor (a very wise man) computer skills. I had him take a computer literacy assessment and he scored near zero. He said he felt like a dummy and I feel like I made him feel small, which is not something I want to do at all. He has been very receptive to all this and wants to learn, I just have to make sure he knows that it is ok that I know this and he doesn't. He is a very good man.

Currently my mind is in a very healthy place. It is difficult going through the adjustment phase of living in a developing country where the conveniences that you are used to do not exist. For one: air conditioning. Two: trash disposal. I have to take my trash everyday to the grocery store complex and sneak it into the one receptacle they have. Back to my healthy head space: I feel like I can do this. I am excited to do it. I have learned so much about myself in the 10 weeks that I have been here I can only imagine who I will be in two years! That being said, this is my one hangup currently: I work too much. Or, I feel I do. The thing is, I don't actually work myself to the bone. But I feel like I need more down time for my mental health. Because I am adjusting and dealing with some anxiety and all this, it would really help if I had a little more freedom with my job. It is funny that I write this and you'll know why when I walk you through my usual day. In the real world, I don't make the rules. There are 40 hour work weeks and expectations for work, but in reality, if I were able to control my work schedule a little better, I would be more efficient and effective. I am doing pretty well, but don't want to step on my supervisors toes already.

So, this is my daily routine (with some variation).
6:30 Alarm goes off, I reset it for 8:30
7:30 I wake up
8:30 I get up, pee, take out my retainers, figure out what I am going to have for breakfast and jump in the shower
8:50ish Walk around wet and naked (only time to be REALLY cool for the whole day), make my breakfast (this varies), make my iced orgasmic, climactic, instant coffee
9:00 Turn on my computer to organize my information that I am going to present to my supervisor, make my to do list for the day or add to the one I made the previous night, check work emails over my breakfast and coffee, brush my teeth, put on my spf, make sure my iPOD is charging so I can rock out when I get home
9:30 Leave for work. I walk through this back road (I will take you there whoever visits me) 1.5 miles to work saying "Good morning" with a smile on my face to all passersby and idlers. (I have been promoted in reponse from shock and awe to 'good morning dear' I love it.)
10:00 Arrive at the Recycling Center, meet with my supervisor. Most of this is just chit chat and visiting and then down to business. Relationships are super important here so production is low and talking is high.
12:30ish Leave for home for my lunch.
1:00 Shower, walk around naked while I drip dry (not cool and usually sweating unless I am sitting in front of the fan), put my clothes on and make and eat my lunch
2:00 Go to the Chamber of Commerce and do computer work, phone calls, research, etc, or go to meetings at schools, hotels, etc.
4:30-5 Leave to go home
My evenings vary but they are mostly make dinner, write emails and blog etc, and read. SOMETIMES I watch a movie but I have only watched like three since being here. I also work. As soon as I am done here I am going to install Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing on my computer and get familiar with it to use with my supervisor. And then I am going to do some preliminary research on composting with cardboard. I try to go to bed around 10pm which explains why I try to get up at 6:30, but it never works that way.

So all in all, I work from 10-12:30 and then 2:00-4:30 ish...but I always do work in the morning and when I get home. So I feel like I get a lot done, but the hours aren't out of control. So am I slacking? I think this is what I am trying to figure out. Can I work less or is that bad even though I am accomplishing a ton? It isn't even like I want more free time for fun and games. I want to have the emotional energy to go talk to my neighbors and get involved in my community. I feel pretty strained mentally just from trying to process my new life and my goals and plans here, on top of the stimulus of LIVING IN JAMAICA IN POVERTY so by the end of the night I really just want to hang out and chill in my place. So if I spent more time hanging out and chilling in my crib, I could have more energy to be in my community which is a huge part of the Peace Corps!

Moving on from that...I could go on forever with how I feel and what I should do. There are a few things in particular I need to mention. First, I love lists. They are so incredible for organization. I make lists for everything. Everyday! In fact, I have a list for this blog. I have been working on it throughout the week. One of them, number 8, the love of lists. I am not going to cover everything on my list tonight or I would go on forever, but I will say that it is nice to look back over my list because it helps me remember the things that really stick out to me the most.

For instance...I was cracking myself up the other day looking at this dead crab in the road that was flat as a pancake (Acme cartoon style). The roadkill here is two things. Giant land crabs, and huge frogs! I see way more flat crabs and mushed up frogs. There is sadly also the occasional dog. Since I am on the topic of frogs and crabs, two things: I am scared of both but crazy interested in them. They intrigue me so I investigate and naturally I get close enough and poke it or something (I know...bad) and then shriek like a little school girl. I got the best of both worlds tonight! I was walking home from my neighbor Sandy's place ( I had dinner over there. Whole wheat pasta with pumpkin and callallo and lots of butter. SO freaking good.) and on my way home a giant frog jumped in front of me and I screamed so loud that she came running thinking I was going to get killed! Nope. Just a frog. Silly me. And then, I was in here (my house) and the dog Lucky (dumb as a dalmation but cute and sweet) was barking the serious some one is in the yard bark. Well, kids have been coming in the yard picking fruit to sell and I was getting ready to go yell at them and I ran out and it wasn't a person at all (mind you I prob should have had my mace in case it was a bad bad man). It was a crab in his dog house that we call his 'villa.' Luckiest dog alive...at least he seems to know it. Anyways....this crab and him were having one hell of a battle. I took some pics. None are good but I am going to put one up anyways.

I also think I am going to start posting video blogs on Youtube. Not sure how that is going to work. I have been posting on Facebook and it takes too long and overwhelms my internet connection trying to do it on Blogger but I am going to try to Youtube. SO get ready life out there! I will keep you all posted on what ends up happening there.

It is incredible how used to bugs I am getting here. Well, bugs and lizards. I guess I am still adjusting to the frogs and crabs. There are three kinds of ants here that you see regularly. There are sugar ants, everything thing ants, and red hot ants. They all have names that I don't know, but here is the breakdown. Sugar ants are everywhere there is sugar. And, everywhere there is not, but there will be a million on anything that is sugar (which is why my cereal in in the refrigerator). They are the coolest ants I have ever had in my life. They are tiny tiny things. Unless there are a ton you don't even notice them on the wall, on the bed, on my body. They are half black and their butt half is white (thorax?) and they move like superman. Man, these things are so freaking fast. I can't even explain except for that if you rock their world they disappear in seconds in this frenzy. Next, everything ants. They eat everything (which is why everything is in my refrigerator, even my canned goods...I know..don't say anything). They are black and normal sized small ants that you see in the states everywhere. They like to crawl onto you (you don't feel it) and then bite the shit out of you. Welts exist and itch all day but it stings man. I was doing my laundry this morning and as I was hanging it to dry on the line I felt like five bites and look down and there was a whole colony on my feet consuming me and I didn't even know. Bastard ants. In the last week they have found my house. Not happy about it. Red hot ants: they are huge, red, and bite: HARD. Other than that, I only have to deal with mosquitoes in my place (if I leave the screen open), lizards, and roaches. The lizards are no longer cute. I am tired of dealing with all their little poos everywhere. The roaches I can't even take. I remember my favorite college professor telling a story of when he was doing outreach work in San Fransisco and played a game with his wife where they would turn on the lights in the kitchen and see who could count the most cockroaches. I took all his classes and heard his story over and over again thinking it was so funny and endearing. It is actually not funny and endearing. It sucks. I go into my kitchen without turning the light on and they are running everywhere and they hop! I had one jump out at me in the sink. Scared the crap out of me. So I have cockroaches, lizards, two kinds of ants, and mosquitoes. Not bad. I mean it. My place is super nice. I am just glad I don't have to take bucket showers and boil my water. I would have survived beautifully in the bush and would have loved the 'roughin it' aspect of the Peace Corps and I certainly am in some ways, but I also have a Hi/Lo right around the corner from my house and I get cell phone reception. I am good to go.

I feel like it is getting gross or weird that I speak about my intestinal adventures, but it is such a huge part of making it here. It is tough everyday. And since this blog is definitely a cultural exchange piece (readers are learning about life in Jamaica) I feel like it is appropriate to tell you. So I thought I had worms, not sure if I do. I took the medicine and haven't seen any, but am still having some symptoms which I still feel the need to not share for some reason. Me not sharing is seriously weird...not in the mood to get gory, even though I have some gory freaking details. Basically not sure what is going on there. I chickened out with the tape test. I woke up and thought about it but then went to the bathroom and wiped...oops. Seriously though, there are so many kinds of bowel movements here. I am not sure what is normal anymore. First of all, my stool has been a dark green and mucousy now for months and half the time it is runny. They call it runny belly here. I love it so much more than the term diarrhea. And I can deal with runny belly. I am getting used to measuring the runny belly, the urgent runny belly, and the emergency runny belly. For instance, the difference between runny belly and urgent runny belly is the first you don't know you have until you are on the toilet, the second you feel moving and know you need to find a restroom in the next ten minutes. The difference between urgent runny belly and emergency runny belly is the first you know you have five or ten minutes, the second, you get out of the shower midwash to evacuate (this happened earlier this week followed by urgent RB for the rest of the afternoon). I can handle all of this but the cramping sucks, as does the raw asshole. I am ready to be regular. That is all I will say on the matter for a while. I am poop talked out.

This blog is now so long that no one will probably get this far but I am going to leave on a good note here. I am really happy to be here. Everyday I am tested. My patience, my humility, my temper, my spirit. I am guided by wanting to make the right decisions to better myself and be good to others. Right now this involves me in Jamaica and all the emotions I feel. All the choices to make. All the mistakes to expect. This is all hard, but I am getting through everyday and am lucky enough to look inside myself everyday to reflect on this experience. These last pics are me and my bffj4e Grace. This is the contrast of how we look, and how we feel.

So much about nothing.

Oh my...has it been an interesting couple of weeks. The problem is that now that last weekend has come and gone, I am not nearly excited to write about it. Basically...me...30 other volunteers...Falmouth....birthday celebrations...skinny dipping in the ocean at 3AM....fun...fun...fun...followed by a lot of exhaustion. Because I am still adjusting to everything it is way too overstimulating everyday so processing this whole experience takes time and after a weekend of waaaay too much fun, the week was pretty tiring. But what a good week! Before I get to my good week however I have to mention: I have worms. I am pretty sure. I saw 4 in my poo last weekend and have been examining my stools and haven't seen any since so I am starting to doubt, but I still went to the pharmacy and got dewormer and took it. I thought they were gone but now I am not so sure for reasons I am feeling too bashful to mention (weird). So, in the morning, I am going to do the tape test. It's going to be ugly. It involves tape, and my butthole. I am expecting too lose a few hairs and is not how I want to start my morning but if I don't get to the bottom of this, I am going to go insane. So, if I pull out a worm or two...or see eggs, I have worms. What if I don't though? Assume I don't and welcome this weight loss? I don't have much more weight to lose. I would rather not lose anymore. All my clothes fit ugly and baggy now and I can't afford to buy more clothes.

Man, I am all over the place. I am not in the spot to blog right now, but if I don't do it now, too much time is going to pass and I want to stay in the habit of blogging. So...next, my week. Working here is frustrating in ways I have no idea how to explain. Probably because it doesn't exist in America. I am going to skip over the frustrations and go straight to the good stuff! I have been in touch with some schools and I am going to get involved with the environment clubs there and hopefully get a sustainable recycling program going. This is really good news. I miss working with youth. I also have some meetings set up at a hotel, and with a woman that distributes a product called "Earthbound" that is used instead of styrofoam and is biodegradable. It is way cool and I am hoping to get some businesses and schools to use them to reduce the waste that accumulates at an alarming rate on this ISLAND! There is only so much room for it.

I am going to save the rest of what I have to say when my computer isn't making me sweat on my clean sheets. Overall though, my head is in a good place and although I wish I could have a whole week to just be in Negril and relax and get my bearings, work is tomorrow and I am going to go. Boo, but yay because I am in the Peace Corps in Jamaica and have a job.

Eureka!

So...I laugh at my stupidity...all the time. This time is no different. I have been terribly confused as to how birds were getting into my house and pooping on my walls, counters, etc. I don't think I have written yet, but lizards here are like cockroaches! They are everywhere and every size. They climb the walls, HOP(!), and dart all over the place. These little indiscretions are not bird poo, but rather lizard shit. Ok, makes sense, but dammit...seriously.

Today was not a good day for my patience with the Jamaican mens and their 'steel'. I was in no mood to deal with them. Someone yelled out that they wanted to walk with me and I usually say 'no thank you' but today I just yelled "NO!" And then, someone offered to buy me a dress he knew I wanted (heard me yesterday ask for a price...) and I just yelled, "I don't think so!" I usually don't yell. Well, I guess it wasn't yelling...maybe raised voice with a little attitude? Who knows.

I made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting last night...playing around with my kitchen I guess. It was a splurge. It cost like $6 for both of them, half of what I make in a day. But I needed it sooooo bad. I have one small piece left 24 hours later. Mind you I brought some to my co-workers and my neighbors, but I myself have had 5 good sized pieces...in 24 hours. Amazing. I didn't have the heart to tell my friend in Jamaica who was having a bad day that I was sitting there eating a delicious cake. She still doesn't know about my cake...she certainly should.

I have more to say but my book is waiting...

On life in Jamaica.

On Laundry:
Laundry, oh laundry, why does thy not dry? Maybe because it is hurricane season and it rains every time you do your washing??? Seriously dudes, my washing strategy has not been perfected as of yet. Too much or too little detergent, can't ring it out enough for it to dry in a short period of time, can't get stains out. Handwashing is a bitch! However, there is something incredibly satisfying about it. I got so worked up and sweaty from washing my underwear that I had to take a shower!

On Smelling:
Yup, still not used to stinking. It is either the sour of sweat all day, the musk from sweating all day (yes there is a sour and a musk), or the mildew from my clothes because I haven't perfected my handwashing! How does one get mildew black splotches out of clothing? Beats me, but I need to know. I will say, there is something really amazing about smelling though. It means you have been doing something worth while...well usually. It means that I walk two miles a day in the sun to and from work. It means that I am in Jamaica. It means that I am trying, even though it is difficult.

On Heat:
It is hot here. Like really hot. I am trying to adjust and be the strong, brave, wonder woman I fantasize about being, but the heat kicks my ass. I still trudge along and I do it well, but the heat makes me sick! I can't keep up with liquids. I drink water all day. Like a gallon a day, but still it is like I can feel the life evaporating off of me throughout the day. It makes me want to swim and to sleep. The funny part is that the water isn't cold enough and my room isn't even close to being cool so another thing about the heat is that you cannot escape it no matter how hard you try!

On Food:
It turns out I can cook. It is awesome. I love it. Today I made a coconut curry chicken vegetable rice bake surprise. It was incredible. Not only was it incredible, but I have now cooked for the entire week! The ingredients are as follows: coconut milk powder, curry powder, garlic, onion, carrot, sweet pepper (bell pepper), potato, green beans, eggplant, chicken, salt, and cock soup powder. Sooooo good. Oh, and this is poured over brown rice. I think it is nutritious....and delicious. Big op to Matt C. for the eggplant tip. ;) Also, jerk is the f*king bomb. I love it. I can't eat it often because it is a little too spendy for a Peace Corps budget, but dang.

On housing:
I never knew how amazing living alone could be. Roommates are good because I learned a lot about communication, boundaries, person time, space, etc, but really...living alone is incredible. I am not sure I can ever go back. I love my kitchen, everything in it is mine. I love my bathroom, everything in the cupboards are mine. I can fold my towels my way, leave things where I want them, decorate to compliment my spirit, and last but not least, I can experiment with things I have never been able to do but always wanted. First, peeing with the door open. I know lots of people do it, mainly guys, but I can just sit on the john and do my business and the door is wide open! It still makes me feel a little uncomfortable and I close it out of habit a lot but sometimes...I don't. Second, and really more importantly, nakedness. It is soooooo liberating. Today I came home for lunch and got soaked (Thanks Ike) and took off all my clothes. All my clothes. I didn't change, I just walked around my place naked. I made my lunch in my kitchen naked. I sat in my chair and ate my lunch naked. I cleaned my house and drank my instant coffee naked. I have realized for the first time that I really love to be naked.

Oh, I guess that is the good stuff. The only really bad thing is that I get scared sometimes. I have had people try to break in and steal stuff at night when I am here and I am fortified like no other with bars everywhere but every time I hear a noise in the dark I always worry if I will be able to scream if I need to for help. So dumb. It ends up being lucky the dog or fruit falling from all my fruit trees. Ugh.

On Music:
Listening to Paul Simon now. Listening a lot to Feist, Derby, Another Cynthia, Modest Mouse, Otis Redding, Johnny Cash, Ben Lee, Ryan Adams, Josh Ritter, Stars, Manu Chao, Jose Gonzales, Janis Joplin, and Fiona Apple mostly. It is all about the music. The morning routine, the chill time, the shower time, the laundry time, the dancing time, the singing time. So many occasions for music.

On Friends:
I miss everyone back home and I hope I am doing a good job keeping in touch. Doing my best...On people I am meeting here, wow. Amazing people. Funny people, beautiful people, strong people. I really hope that we will be friends for years and years. Oh, and coolest thing ever: I now have sweet hookups all over the country. Places I am most excited about: Kodiak, Alaska; Hawaii, Chicago, Georgia. Hells yes friends.

On Tanning:
It is hard to tan on purpose. You walk outside without SPF and you burn, with it you tan. I have lines all over the place. My butt is a pasty pasty white and my boobs look ridiculous. The beach is an incredible way to relax, look out at beauty, and reflect. It is amazing...and tanning is bitter sweet. I look good as a tan blond, but the cancer I may get later makes me nervous. I am trying to take care of my skin. I wear SPF Broad Spectrum 40 and apply like every 15 minutes usually. I have only burnt a couple of times since being here and never bad so I am pretty proud of myself. What I can't explain is the one tan line that goes between my boobs and halfway down my belly. It looks like someone layed a snake on my chest. I am thinking maybe laying under partial shade? Lame.

On Internet:
I am writing this from my bed. Wireless internet in the Peace Corps. Weird. I am not too ridiculous, but it has allowed me to keep up with people a lot more and read the news, blog, etc. I am just going to roll with it.

On Work:
Work is up and down, back and forth. I am still convinced that my boss is the coolest in all of Jamaica. The work that is ahead of me is really daunting because this type of work, pace of work, work ethic, etc is so different than the US that it is a constant comfort zone flirtation that sometimes I just don't have the energy for. I am going to learn a lot and hope that I am able to make some positive change. I really worry about sustainability. How do you make a market for recycling out of midair? Scary.

On Play:
I don't really know what play means. I can say that I have not been exercising in a way I am accustomed to. The 15 pounds I have lost from being sick is ok, it looks ok, not too skinny or gross, but what I can't handle is that my ass is starting to sag and turn to mush. If it goes too much more it is going to look like two pancakes hanging off my back. Not into it. It is too hot to do anything. When I get my bike i am going to start riding early in the morning and on the weekends hopefully. I miss frisbee and I am hoping to get into football (soccer) soon. Other than that, my days are pretty mentally overwhelming so by the time I get home, I love hanging out and reading, cooking, etc. I know it will get old at some point, but not yet. Right now I love my alone time. Sometimes I watch the sunset at Canoe or at the beach, usually with Brian and Yvonne. Sometimes I have visitors that come to visit. This last weekend I had four people visiting. It was a total blast. We went to the beach, cooked, listened to music and bullshitted, went to Rick's and swam. Cool stuff. This weekend is my birthday weekend and I am heading to Falmouth for the weekend to go to a volleyball tournament and have a party. It is going to be hard not to drink because I know everyone will be, but I may have one beer or two. Just not really drinking right now. Doesn't mix with my meds so I stay away.


I have more On ***s. But I am tired of writing. My computer is too damned hot now and I need to be done. What you missed out on:

On Culture Shock
On Emotions
On Needs

Sorry. Maybe next time.

This was a good blog. I really enjoyed writing it....naked.